I’m often asking Jesus, “Lord, what are You doing?”
It’s when He shows me strange visions, gives me eccentric-sounding words to prophesy over people, tells me to approach and pray for alcoholics and street vendors and Western tourists (I’ll be real, the Western tourists incite the most fear in me).
The entire afternoon had been rainy, and my team was finally trudging up the steep hill to Pastor Antonio’s house to end the day. We stopped at the top of the hill for a breather and caught the sound of a marching band in the town below. In a heartbeat, I hear the Holy Spirit whisper, “Go to the parade and pray for them.” I’m thinking, “Really? No one will want to go back down this giant hill we just climbed.” Nevertheless, I told my team I felt the urge to go back down to pray and 2 of my teammates came with me. By the time we climbed back down the hill, the marching band kids were loading onto a bus. We prayed for their safety and saw them speed off, leaving us in a cloud of dust and diesel. In moments like those I think, “Honestly, Lord, what was the point of that?”
But it must have been for something. Even when I can’t see the fruit of my obedience.
“ . . . When you turn to the Lord your God and obey His voice (for the Lord your God is a merciful God), He will not forsake you nor destroy you . . .” Deuteronomy 4:30-31
Sometimes it’s for my own training, sometimes it’s for others’ sake, always it’s for the Lord’s glory.
This month has been stretching for me. It’s out of my comfort zone to approach strangers and ask if they want prayer, or to deliver a word from the Lord to them. It’s uncomfortable to be constantly crossing the boundary from faith to unfaith, church to nonchurch. After every encounter, I always feel like shrugging my shoulders and saying, “OK Jesus, I did what You asked, the rest is all You.”
Following Jesus seems simple. Trust, listen, obey. At the heart of everything, love well and be loved well. Execution, however, is somehow much more complicated. Well, scratch that, it’s actually simple. It’s yes and amen to whatever Jesus says. But somehow fear, anxiety, worry, apprehension, doubt, pride, and just plain disobedience works itself in, and then it seems like a lot is being demanded.
To say yes to the Lord is to say no to myself. No to my physical comfort, no to my desires, no to the deflection, rejection, and even comedic tactics I’ve become so good at hiding behind. The Lord is exposing me and giving me no rest in the familiar things of this world. What does it mean to stand raw and naked before God? What does it mean to have my heart fully exposed and its contents overturned by the One who knows all and sees all?
“For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.” Deuteronomy 4:24
He really does not relent until He has everything. The cost is great, but the prize is far greater. What will I choose? To dwell in my broken state, or to embrace the fullness of the Lord? Is it better to be dissected by the Lord or to live a life of coping mechanisms? Both are painful. The former means giving up my rights to hold on to anything, to allow the Lord to expose what He desires to whomever He wants; but I know on the horizon is healing and redemption. The latter means just getting by, allowing life to happen and constantly reacting to the resulting barbs. Being a slave to my own desires is not freedom.
I’m realizing the question is not, “Lord, what are You doing?” but “Lord, what do You want me to do?” (Acts 9:6). Once again, the Kingdom is simple. Trust, listen, obey. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)
