You know when you think you have your stuff together and then the Lord starts blowing you up to reveal your junk?
Yeah, that's me.
So here I am, so excited to enter into World Race community and embark on an adventure of a lifetime, when all of a sudden I get hit with the less romantic parts. Careless words, striving to make myself known, theological debates (and differences!)… It's enough to make me shrink back into my protective shell and put up my KEEP OUT sign.
I am challenged to follow because I'm used to independence, I've become accustomed to the idea of fending for myself and setting boundaries for protection. The idea of following someone, another human being, makes me feel weak and rekindles the memories of when I've tried to follow in the past and it turned into an unhealthy dependence on another person for affection and affirmation. I'm reminded of the times I've lost myself in being dependent on others, where instead of the protection of leadership I was suffocated or disappointed by it. While God has been redeeming these experiences and teaching me to draw healthy boundaries in my relationships with others, it can be difficult to not take boundaries to an extreme and not let anyone in at all.
I have been guilty of forgetting that the Lord is my strength, that I have the fullness of the Spirit through Him, and am rooted and established in His love. In the effort of making new friends, I've forgotten that my identity in Jesus never changes no matter what others' perceptions and judgements are. I'm grateful that the Lord is constant because I am not, and I'm glad that He reminds me often of my identity as a daughter.
This morning I've been asking Him why I should love people. What about when they don't deserve it? What about when they hurt me? What about when it feels too risky? Or how about when I just straight up don't like them?
I honestly don't have a fully formed, prettily packaged answer yet, but this I do know: we love because He first loved us. Heidi Baker often says, "Love looks like something." I love that statement because love is coupled with action, which means a decision had to be made to love. Love is hard, vulnerability with community is scary. It's an active decision to choose into God's reality and what He has called us into. Loving His people isn't something that organically happens because it's easy. Rather I am choosing into it with every moment, every conversation, every action.
This morning I lay my defenses down with humility. I confess that I've been judging people's worthiness to be loved based on how well they have loved me. The Lord keeps bringing me back to the reason I signed up for the World Race: to be able to love better, to have my heart broken for the things that breaks the Father's heart. I choose to love not because it will make me feel good but because the Father has already loved me to utter and complete fullness and my loving of others comes solely from that overflow. It's not a bartering system, it's what I give freely because I have freely received.
Jesus, I want to see people the way You see them. I want to love selflessly and bear the cost with joy and freedom. It is an honor to watch love go from passive to active. I want to partner with You faithfully to bring Your Kingdom realities of love, hope and faith.
