It's hard to say what my expectations are for the World Race because God has changed a lot of them over the past 8 months of waiting. I always thought 'seasons of waiting' were Christian euphamisms for boring seasons or seasons where God didn't do a whole lot–but He has really shown me how waiting can be so active!
What I've learned while preparing is that God does not need me to go on some crazy-sounding mission trip to be good enough for Him. He doesn't need me to give up all my worldly possessions in order to be holy. I don't have to live in the African bush in order to have faith for miracles or to be healed. God doesn't need me to do anything at all in order to fix, get rid of, or clean up my junk. One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that God doesn't care if I'm in Guatemala or in the USA, He will meet me right here, right now, every time I ask. Even if I don't ask, God will pursue me!
This past season has been one of healing (cleaning out the closet, if you will), restoration, and growth. God reconciled me to my parents after many years of struggling against what I perceived as forced religion. God showed me the unforgiveness in my heart from years of feeling betrayed by female community, thus the reason why I always had a broken perception of men as a 'safe space'–but then He brought me freedom from it! I've been slowly learning what it means to have a tender heart for the Lord and for others; and the Lord is teaching me how to embrace it and call out destiny and life in others!
Yet, although there has been change in me and my life, God continually reminds me that I'm still me and that when I am most myself, He is most glorified. It's an interesting paradox that I am desiring to become more and more like Christ while also becoming more assured of who I am. A favorite quote of mine is "Religion says: God will love us if we change. The Gospel says: God's love changes us." How true it is! There is nothing I could do in my own strength to be worthy of God's love, but He has freely given it to us through the death and resurrection of His Son, Jesus Christ, fully man and fully God, who knew no sin, and through his humanity had compassion for us. And this love I have freely received, I also freely give!
Oh yes, so back to my original musings on expectations for this trip: I expect Jesus to utterly and completely wreck me with love for His people, to have my heart capacity burst and be re-formed larger than I ever hoped possible. I eagerly await this missions trip in order to be a small instrument of the Lord that can impart hope, faith and love. My real heart behind the World Race is to serve, not out of slavery or servanthood, but out of confident sonship*.
Test me and refine me, Jesus! I want to look more like You.
* In Biblical times, only sons received an inheritance. However, all of us are 'sons' regardless of gender because God has brought us all into His inheritance.
