The Constant One

How could You make me love You, but not be able to be with You?
How could I reconcile my desire for You with my objections to Your people?

These nights usually took two paths that ended the same. One would be an explosion of anger, in which I would furiously accuse God of making me too different to ever settle into a community I could call home, be it Christian or not. The other would be immense sadness at the thought of being forever separated from the One my heart longed for, knowing that our differences could never be reconciled. Both involved walking away disheartened. 

I tried all kinds of avenues to get to God. I pleaded, I threatened, I groveled, I demanded. Trying to reach Him was like riding a roller coaster with no safety lap bar, I was so easily thrown this way or that by one emotion or another. In the end, it was always too tough, and it was easier to walk away. My life would always be in limbo between loving God and loving the world and all I could hope for was a teetering balance. 

Well, that's not how God left me, but what that time did leave me was a deep impression of how faithful He is. I remember once complaining to my pastor that God never met me in the magnificent, powerful way I wanted even though I desired Him. After all, isn't desire all God wanted? I had been fighting this battle to get to Him for years (Nevermind that I was omitting all the times I ran away from Him.), but still no magnificent reconciliation, still no thunderclap and lightening from the heavens to let me know the war was won.

What she said floored me, "God is not emotionally manipulated." Whoa. A) My pastor was calling me on my woe-is-me crap which I really didn't like (Add that to the 'How Christians Have Injured Me' list I had running back then). B) God won't change for me?! But I thought He loved me?!

I had to learn that yes, I was full of it (probably more often that I'd like to admit), yes, God wouldn't change for me, and yes, He does love me. My pastor elaborated that God is God no matter what circumstance or personal trial I go through and just because I throw fits and tell Him to come closer or else doesn't mean that He will. At the time, I wanted everything–to live however I wanted and pursue the world while still having God on my second-string, my break-glass-in-case-of-fire extinguisher.

 My return to Jesus involved actually giving up the position of power in my own life, of authentically surrendering to Him, and yielding my heart to Him. However, I remember that conversation with my pastor so clearly because it revealed a piece of God I could not comprehend at the time. God doesn't change. He is the same yesterday, today, tomorrow, and for eternity. And since He doesn't change (despite my very, very best attempts) His promises don't change, His salvation doesn't change, His love doesn't change. And hallelujah for that! I hope not every Christian needs to test out God's constant nature for him- or herself, but as one who has fought the battle and joyfully forfeited it is comforting to know the God we serve is constant. There is a safety in His consistency, and peace in His steadiness.