As I come upon my final 11 days on the race, the words, “ Everyone’s race is different” is found completely accurate. From all of the people of P- Squad to every racer before or after the end of my race, this saying will continue to stand true. Having spent the last 11 months on the infamous P-Squad, with all of the things that have come along our journey, I can with a matter of certainty say, that my race would have been hard wether on P-Squad or any other. A hard season is what the Lord had for me, a season of refinement, of forgiveness, and of brokenness, which had nothing to do with an earthquake or a motorbike accident or any of the other incredibly tough things our squad went through. Each of the hard things our squad encountered had and effect on me, and had its mold on my season, but was not the definition of my race. I write this as an encouragement and a reality of future World Racers, your Race will be YOUR Race, your Race will be unique and will be a divine appointment between you and God, there is a reason you are or were desiring to leave the comfortable and convenient to travel the world and be like one of the disciple along side of Jesus! Before I left for the race, I prayed that the Lord would make my life interruptible, following reading a similarly titled book by Jen Hatmaker, to which I don’t think I was quite ready for the fullness of which the Lord was going to answer that prayer! My life was beautiful, great car, great job, great community, great family, great friends, great future… but I was so discontent I lost sight of ALL that the Lord had been so gracious to give me and was giving me.
My Race, was uncomfortable for the entire 11 months, and without fail it became more uncomfortable the further along in the race I went. I hated the race most of the time, and wanted to quit far too often, and some days, could absolutely not remember why I would ever sign my self up for something like this. The World Race, did not fit me, like my life fits me, nor how I expected it to fit me, I thought this was going to be a “tough” time, but all the adventure would make up for it and it was going to be so great making so many new friends. I saw myself as this grand adventurer, that was educated and successful, sacrificing her time, to spend a year telling people about Jesus, and probably expecting some self focused acclamation following it all. Where in reality, I found my self living with a bunch of people who pushed my buttons, myself that pushed my own buttons, and this Jesus who became so much more intensely intimate and real- pushing my buttons! Seriously a lot of button pushing going on during my Race. I felt inadequate, like a failure, lost, confused, anxious, fearful, angry, inept, alone, so often that it diluted my enjoyment and ability to savor many good moments of the Race. I couldn’t wrap my head around why this trip ended up being so hard, and why I could not get a grip of it to turn it back into a good season. There were many moments the Lord called me to be obedient and I ran. There were many moments the Lord called me to forgive, myself and others, but I ran. There were many moments the Lord called me to abide and sit awhile through the hard moment, and I ran. In it all the Lord reminded me, this season was going to be tough, He was making it uncomfortable and inconvenient, so that through it all I would choose Him and stop running!
Somewhere along the way, in the button pushing and the running, it changed, the hard was still hard, but as I looked back, the Lord revealed what He taught me, or what He taught others through those moments. Along the way, those buttons that are being pushed are realized as indicators of areas that the Lord is trying to work something out in us, to make us look more like Him. Those things about your team mates or squad mates that bother you, you begin to pray about, for them and for yourself, and the Lord shows you the heart behind why it bothers you. And, somewhere along the way, everything you learn at training camp become a reality, people continue to quote things said at training camp that are vital, to living in a community and actually thriving in that community! In every country, in every ministry, with every host, you see more of Jesus, and it takes you on this journey, you never knew you really wanted, but always really actually wanted! This year was more real, raw, vulnerable, abandoning, restoring, healing, than I could have happen in years in America, because I got outside of my comforts, and away from the things I hide behind to sit before the King of Kings.
At the end, I am leaving with many beautiful friends, whom I have cried with, prayed with, been hurt by, whom I have hurt, whom I have loved and been loved by, whom have shown me Jesus as they serve and have taught me how to be more like the Hands and Feet of Jesus to others. I am leaving the Race, living fully in the Identity of Christ, having laid down the things that bring myself glory, distract people from Jesus in me, and the false things I have put into place to protect myself from being hurt! I am leaving having more beautiful relationships with my parents, family, friends and boyfriend. I am leaving race, ready for what is next and the beautiful things the Lord has set into place.
