I am going to begin this blog post by telling you that I cannot really put in to words all that God did in my life at training camp this past week. So bear with me. Also, it is really difficult to summarize it, so forgive my LONG post! I think it will be worth the read! 😀
There was a women’s retreat before the training camp and we talked a lot about feelings and forgiving people in our past. Which was so good and I didn’t realize how sometimes we need to RE-forgive people that have hurt us and also to release them from the bondage of our unforgiveness. We ALSO need to release ourselves from that same bondage sometimes.
My heart at the beginning of the week was very scarred and worried and fearful and broken.
I have always felt like there was a wall blocking me from God. Or that there was something innately wrong with me that kept me from seeking God with my “whole heart.” It felt like I had this awesome puppeteer who I knew was good and sometimes knew that He loved me. He would make me do beautiful dances. But all I wanted was for Him to dance with me. “Why won’t He dance with me?!?!”
I kept asking myself “What is wrong with me?” or asking God “Why do you withhold yourself from me?” I would try to do quiet times and never really felt his presence. I kept chugging along in hopes that he would show up in some way shape or form. Sometimes when I was bold I would attempt silly things like turning a stick into a snake in the name of Jesus. This never worked of course, but I had hopes and I felt like they were crushed by God. I felt this deep sense of abandonment by Him. I wondered “How can I be hurt by the one person that was never supposed to hurt us?” But that is exactly what I felt. I felt abandoned and hurt by God. I have never been shy of telling him this either. So during training camp when we were doing worship and asked to wrestle with God until he blesses us, I told him how I felt. I prayed and begged and prayed and begged for him to bless me in some way, whatever way he wanted. I wanted Him. I kept saying “what is wrong with me?” and then claiming truth over myself “For it is by grace that we have been save, by faith, not by works so that no one can boast.” Then I would repeat “Not by works” over and over again during worship. Still he would not bless me. I prayed and prayed and literally nothing happened. I saw the others around me experiencing God. The girl right next to me walked passed me and told the girl on my other side something God had laid on her heart to share and I immediately thought “God you skipped me,” “you didn’t pick me” “you passed right by me.” Then I claimed that he was good and that his timing was good. I thanked him and praised him for everything that he was doing in the lives of those around me.
Here’s the deal. God did not reveal himself to me.
He just didn’t.
I was devastated. And this went on for several days. I would seek him and beg him to be present. I knew he was there, but I had never felt his presence. I felt like I had to convince myself that he was there. I literally ran out of worship one night and lay down in the gravel sobbing because I wanted to have intimacy with my Savior so badly. Over and over again and each time was harder than the first. Over and over and over. I was so scared to get my hopes up each time I talked to someone else about it or when someone else prayed over me. I thought “maybe this time God will show Himself to me” only to be let down again. I actually laughed about it a couple of times saying “I guess He has something REALLY good planned.”
One day my squad leader, Katie, was praying for me and was praying against any oppressive spirits in my life and I remembered something from my childhood that didn’t sit well with me. It made me think that maybe there was something going on that was NOT within my control. Through journaling and praying throughout the week I began to realize that a lot of the JOY that I should have had with Christ in my life has not been there. When I began to really make a life change and walk with Jesus at age 12, I remember not sticking around to worship like everyone else. I isolated and thought negative thoughts about myself. I began remembering that this was something I actually did my whole life. I would run away when my feelings were hurt and think perpetual negative thoughts. “Your family doesn’t love you,” “they aren’t looking for you,” “you are unlovable.” I truly began to think that maybe the block that I felt between me and God was not of my own creation.
Anyways, after several difficult conversations with different Adventures in Missions staff members it looked like I was on the verge of being SENT HOME and having to defer to a July route. Throughout the week, God had been preparing me for these conversations. He had been stripping me of any ulterior motives that I may have had when wanting to experience Him. I was absolutely DESPERATE for Him. I had not allowed myself to want Him so badly in such a long time because I felt like I kept being hurt BY Him when He didn’t “show up.” So when I met with these different staff members they told me that they were able to see my desperation for the Lord and that it was pure. During one meeting, I was not aware until about the end of it that it was a meeting that determined if I was getting sent home. The two staff let me know that they were going to leave the room for a couple of minutes to pray and talk and make sure they were on the same page. As soon as they left, I was crying out to God and sobbing “God, your will be done, but pick up the pieces of my heart if they are sending me home.” I just kept repeating that. They were only gone for a minute or two. When they returned they basically told me that they could see my heart for the Lord and that they wanted me to launch in January. They also told me how excited they were to see what God was going to do in my life. After that they said “Christina, we see you. We see your heart. And you are okay.” I remember thinking that that was super cheesy at the time. But later I realized how important that was. I realized that they saw my heart and saw that it was good and eager for the Lord when other leaders had in the past told me that what I was doing wasn’t enough. Other leaders didn’t see the block was not within my control and they did.
So after meeting with them, they told me they would set me up with a meeting with the “Deliverance Team.” My first thought was “Ok….. what is the heck is a deliverance team?” I was hopeful that this deliverance team meeting would enable me to finally experience God. But with that hope there was a small amount of fear. “What if He doesn’t show up again?” “What if there is nothing that could fix me?” “What if He doesn’t show up and they decide I am too ‘broken?’” The meeting was set up for the next evening. “Really? I have to wait that long?”
The “Deliverance Team” ended up being my squad leader, Katie, and the director of Field Operations for the World Race, Bill Swan. I was super nervous. Bill Swan was the guy that had been standing up in the front all week teaching us and being all cool and stuff. I thought “How can I be vulnerable with this guy?” “He is the director! What does he care?” and “He is probably going to tell me everything I am doing is wrong and make me feel awful.” Turns out my fears of talking with Bill were misguided. He was a super easy person to talk to and he made me feel completely comfortable sharing and being vulnerable and letting my guard down.
Bill began the meeting by explaining what deliverance ministry is and asking me my story. I shared with him some of the verbal abuse that went on in my household and two of the words that I was called were words that he had just written down. I was kinda shocked, but also a little skeptical thinking “He could have just guessed that.” He went on to tell me that often times when people say nasty curse words to us they are unwittingly giving grounds for demonic spirits to enter our lives. Huh. Interesting. He then went on to call out any demonic spirits and then required that they make themselves known. I saw, felt, and heard NOTHING.
Katie my squad leader began to walk me through a guided imagery thing. She had me picture myself on a hill standing in the darkness, looking at a church that was in the light. She told me to walk towards the church and try to enter. I explained that the door would not open and the door knob would turn a little but stop. She asked if there was a key, “Who has the key?” “Is it under the mat or in your pocket?” I looked at the door further and realized that this giant, embezzled, golden doorknob had no key hole. I told her and she asked if there were any windows. Nope, no windows. She then asked a pivotal question. “Who has the power to open the door?” In my head I was SCREAMING the name of Jesus. I KNEW He had the power to open the door. I saw his scarred hand outstretched reaching for the doorknob. And I began to sob. I was trying to say his name and my FREAKING MOUTH would not work!!!!!!! WHAT THE HECK?!??! I was sobbing and told them that I couldn’t say it. Bill asked me if I could write it. My heart was racing, my body shaking and I felt like I was going to vomit. I attempted to WRITE the name of Jesus and I COULDN’T do it. “WHY? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?” I literally was only able to begin writing the “J”.
At this point, I truly began to realize that there was SOMETHING going on that was outside of my control. Several different demons identified themselves throughout the 2 hours that we were talking and Bill and Katie helped cast them out in the Name of Jesus and close up any doorways that they could return through. All of it was weird and uncomfortable and a bit scary. At the end of the prayer time I felt EXHAUSTED and to be honest I felt like I was drunk or high. They told me I could walk back to my campsite and we would talk more the next day to see if it was finished. As I was walking back, I decided to look up at the stars because I knew that I loved nature and seeing God in it. As I looked up I was overwhelmed by the compulsion to lay down right where I was in the parking lot. I remember thinking that it was a good thing and that I felt so exhausted that maybe this was the Lord blessing me with rest. So I laid down and felt such a deep sense of peace and rest that I have never felt before. I knew in the back of my head that people were going to find me and put an abrupt end to my bliss, but I didn’t really care.
After what seemed like a couple minutes, people did find me and the confusion and fear crept back in. “What the heck is happening to me?” “Why am I acting like this?” Bill, Katie and Dani (another staff person I connected with) prayed for me and I began to feel the sense of peace again and I almost collapsed because I felt compelled to rest again. After we prayed, Katie walked me back to my campsite and to my tent. I got the overwhelming sense that it was not finished. The next day was a lot less eventful and a couple of spirits were identified and cast out. I was left feeling despondent and began condemning myself. Bill began to explain that many of these spirits were likely with me the majority of my life and that because of that they have been etched into my thought processes and my personality. He told me that I needed to begin to learn and live out my identity in Christ. He gave me a book called “Victory Over the Darkness” by Neil Anderson. I was skeptical and scared and unsure that what happened to me was real. I told them that I was scared that may have done it for attention or something like it. Bill responded by saying “If I had thought you were doing this for attention I would not have spent 2 and a half hours with you.” This eased a lot of my concerns.
I felt like I was on a new frontier and I was scared. I asked myself and others “Is there anyone who can walk me through how to proceed?” “What do I do next?” “How do I know what happened to me was real?” I left training camp feeling nervous, but expectant for what God had planned next.
I will follow up with another blogpost soon about the weeks after training camp, because SO far they have been pretty awesome and challenging and I have been learning soooooo much!!!
