Over the last several years of my life, a spirit of fear and timidity has taken root in my heart. I am afraid of so many things. I remember growing up and having little to no fear at all. I would walk alone at night and know I was safe because I had tennis shoes on (I could run and kick easily). I remember being bold and telling people how I felt about them without fear of what they thought. I remember loving my friends without fear that it wasn’t reciprocated. I remember play sports and jumping off stairs without fear of injury.

Now I have fear. I am scared. It has become a constant companion.

I am scared of what people think about me, often. Sometimes, I think that it has become full on social anxiety. I am scared to speak up during meetings. I am scared to meet new people. I am afraid to be myself thinking that people won’t accept me. Even as I write this, I am scared what those who read it will think of me. Am I being too pessimistic? Am I being to vulnerable? Will they think that I am not holy? Will they think I am too much of something or not enough of something else? I am also afraid that my closest friends will one day be done with me. They will eventually realize that I am some kind of clingy, needy parasitic type friend and be done. I am afraid that no one needs or wants me as much as I need or want them.

I am scared of injury. I would have to say this is probably my biggest fear. I am not afraid to die, but I am afraid to Almost die and be left physically broken. I am afraid of pain. I have experienced some monumental pain in my short 26 years. I have had several kidney stones that have caused so much pain that in the moment I beg God to let me die rather than experience more pain. I have completely blown out my right knee on several occasions and felt so much pain that I can’t see beyond it. I have sprained ankles and had constant neck and back pain for 6 years. I have this somewhat irrational fear that I will become paralyzed one day. Pain and injury scare me. When I try to play soccer I am constantly scared that I will reinjure myself and I have to pray the whole time for God’s protection over my body. I don’t jump boldly into adventure like I once did. When I was a kid, the courage and boldness I had was a source of pride. I remember that I used to be known for “never backing out on a dare.” Not anymore. I “play it safe” now.

Crippling fear.

 

“Fear stifles our thinking and actions. It creates indecisiveness that results in stagnation. I have known talented people who procrastinate indefinitely rather than risk failure. Lost opportunities cause erosion of confidence, and the downward spiral begins.“

Charles Stanley

I often find that I am afraid to try new things because I don’t want to be bad at them or fail. I am afraid of any weightless programs because I don’t want to put effort in to something and not succeed. I am afraid to apply to certain jobs. I was afraid to apply for the World Race, but by the grace of God He was able to get me to apply anyway.

All of these fears are not pleasing or honoring to God. But does that mean I can magically eradicate them from my life? Can I just will them away? I wish I could. I wish that I could just wake up one day and be completely and wholly assured of who I am in the Lord. But it doesn’t work like that. Sanctification takes a lifetime.

How do I handle this fear?

I pray the peace of the Lord over my heart constantly. I lean on this verse:

Philippians 4:7 ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 

This verse has become a mantra for me. If I have the constant companion of fear, then I need a constant kryptonite for it, right?!

I have learned to do the thing that scares me, despite the fear and because of the fear. If I am scared of a social situation, I play this verse on repeat in my head and suck it up. If I am going to play soccer I pray for God’s protection and lean on his promise to “work things for the good of those that love Him.” I felt fear about the route that I chose for the Race. I was scared of being in countries that I couldn’t speak the language, scare of human trafficking and all that that entail. I chose this route in part BECAUSE of that fear. I want to step outside my comfort zone and stare straight in to the face of what scares me.  

I wait eagerly for the day when fear has been eradicated from my life. I HAVE been given a Spirit of strength, love and self control!

(Confession: Even now, I am fearful that I should finish this blog with a more positive, uplifting and God honoring ending. I am fearful that I have been TOO fearful and people SHOULDN’T know about that. Clearly, I need God’s grace always.)

Good talk.

Bye.

😀