(Written at the end of Cambodia-Month 8 debrief.)
The other night I danced with Jesus. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. We were about four or five songs into our all squad worship and I craved His presence. So I asked Him for more, I asked Him for another divine encounter, bigger than any other that I felt. I asked to feel and go deeper in His magnificent love, to do something extraordinary. I remember a thought from the enemy rush into my head “you have already asked for so much, He has already given you so much, taken you so far, it would be greedy to ask for more, be satisfied as you are.” I almost believed it. For a split second it made sense – in the world- but not in the world of Jesus. I casted it down and asked for more. The thought came back into my mind again, this time I didn’t just cast it down I screamed at it, “No! You are a liar, He always wants us to ask for more, more of Him, I will always want more!” I don’t know how much time had passed after that but my next words were to ask Jesus to dance with me.
Suddenly my hands that were already up and opened shifted so that my right hand hung open and grabbed His. Next my feet started to move, right foot, left foot, around in a semi-circle. I can’t even begin to describe it, how I wasn’t in control of what I was doing but how so at peace I was with leading Him lead. I was crying, but I tried to hold in the sobs to keep myself from collapsing in a joyful mess, I was in awe and unbelief. My eyes stayed close the whole time, but my thoughts creped in “what if I bump into a chair, or the wall?” I answered myself, “I am dancing with Jesus He has the whole world in His hands, He is not going to lead me to bump me into a chair.” It seemed ridiculous after the moment passed that I could have even asked that. Looking back on it now it’s funny because the connection can be made to so many more things in our lives, things bigger than worrying about bumping into a chair, but no matter the answer is always the same, He’s Jesus, and you know the creator of the universe.
Suddenly another thought entered my mind, this one a little more forceful. I thought that what I was doing must have looked really strange from outsider eyes. Here I was crying, face probably red and streaming with tears, hands up moving in a semi-circle in the middle of worship. I probably looked crazy in the crowd. But before I could let any real feelings of embarrassment from creping in and encourage me to stop I prayed and asked Jesus to make everyone else in the room disappear. So they did. A few moments later however a soft hand placed itself on my back, a hand from a friend. My knees almost gave out and I let out an initial explosion of tears. I had to kneel down before my King, before my God, before my Father, and before my best friend. I understand completely now the saying that ‘God recked my life.’
I have had plenty of those moments but this one seemed like a perfection description. God doesn’t destroy anything of value, he recks our false perception of Him, lies we’ve lived under our whole lives, He destroys the destroyer and fills you with His glory, His beautiful wonderfully freeing glory. Soon a few people crowded around me including one of my squad leaders and I heard him ask the Lord to fill me up as I was still kneeling on the ground crying. And then something I didn’t expect to happen happened. Anger bubbled to the surface, I started crying harder now slamming the ground with the palm of my hand. I had came to the clear realization now that God can’t fill you completely up until your cup overflows until you are completely emptied out. So I asked that God take that anger, and that I never wanted it back. And I believe that He did. Anger has been a theme in my life, and every month while on this race I have been surrendering more and more of it. Anger I believe in a secondary emotion, it only comes after hurt, sadness, injustice, and pain. I held onto all those things in my life, for the majority of my life, and I didn’t just hold onto them, I allowed them to magnify. I allowed my past to become my present and my future. So in that moment I emptied out more, and in turn I was filled more. This all made so much sense to me, here’s why.
Earlier on in that evening, actually the couple of hours worship, my new team picked our name. One of my team members Josh had said that God had lead him to the name ‘Kenosis’ a Biblical and Greek word for ‘the complete emptying out of ourselves and our will, and surrendering to God.’ I don’t know if that’s the exact word for word translation, but it’s basically what it means in paraphrasing terms. Oh and a few more things. When I surrendered that anger to God, He spoke to me, through me out loud “Christina, I love you, I have so much love and peace for you, I love you so much.” I have bolded the word ‘so’ because I heard the emphasize. And then something else remarkable happened, the Lord reminded me of a vision I had month one on the World Race. The vision was me, dancing, in a beautiful gown with my father on a dance floor, but in that moment I thought it was my earthly father. It was a little unclear but I knew it was my ‘daddy’ that I was in this dance with.
Even though my initial interpretation was wrong, God had reminded me of this vision not coincidentally, one that I hadn’t written down, but that had just come to pass. In that vision He was showing me hope, a love that was always there but at the time I didn’t know how to receive. You see were never really empty, were either filled with the Father or with something else. We are always encouraged to trade the old for the new, the anger for love, the ashes for beauty, because our Daddy wants to fill us up. His love came first, and it was His love that encouraged me to surrender, He saw that surrender even before I did. I decided to engage in the act of ‘Kenosis’ and surrender to something better. The truth is He wants us all to do that, in whatever area that needs it in your life, and when you do, be ready to celebrate and dance with the Father.
