I am sure you have all been anxiously awaiting Part II of "Letting Go". So, here you go!
Well into month three, I find myself abandoned.
At first, leaving home and all material possessions behind was enough of a sacrifice for God. Then I included our $10/day budget, psuedo-necessities like hot showers, and any form of communication as worthy sacrifices. I guess I thought the more that I was able to let go, the more I would comprehend this whole abandonment thing. During month two of the World Race, I received a bonafide Holy Spirit wake-up-call.
Slowly but surely "Feedback" became more natural. The quirks were being worked out and the light began to shine at the end of the tunnel. In Guatemala we rarely had the opportunity to hang out, so intense feedback sessions were filled with more perceptions of each other rather than actual observations. We were all still trying to figure each other out and how we were going to make it through 10 more months.
In Nicaragua it was the complete opposite- praise God! Every delicious meal we ate as a team and we had time for morning worship. We were all together while ministering and loving people in the barrios (slums). This is what they meant when the WR staff said "true community".
Month one proved to be the month of defenses. Many of us couldn't help but clench on to the person we were before we left for the race. Sure, we were all "open to changing" but in reality, the fear of the unknown kept us stagnant. I felt so willing to change as long as it was something I thought I needed to change. Funny how that works out.
It would have to write 100 blogs to describe all the ways that I have been sharpened thus far. In order from Guatemala to Costa Rica, here are some of the hindrances that God and my fellow teammates have helped me work through:
Expectations.
Burdens of my own. Burdens from home. Burdens from others…
Self deprecation regarding to bible knowledge.
People-pleasing.*
PRIDE.
Self-sufficiency.
Dying to myself daily.*
Accepting grace from God.
False Humility (ungratefulness for who I am in Christ).
Keeping record of wrongs in fear that others will reciprocate.
Physical Insecurity.*
CONTROL.
Unwillingness to submit to others' leadership.
Partial submission to God's will (only on my timeline).
Balancing justice and mercy.*
Obedience to His Word and to His voice.*
*still processing, though there is hope!
Wow, it sure seems like a lot when it is written down! More the reason to lift up my hands and praise Elohim for walking me through it! God has taken hold of me in a way that I had never experienced. For example, through His Word, God has ignited a fierce passion for Scripture. Since half-way through our month in Nicaragua, I have been waking up to Truth at the crack of dawn. Most of my close friends and family have rarely (if ever) seen me having quiet time in the morning. I loved/love reading books but was always overwhelmed by the Bible as a whole. I always wanted to have the obedience to read the whole Bible and ta-da! I can't put it down. For too long in my walk with Christ did I overlook the importance of being grounded in Truth.
That is just one example of how God is equipping me to better love those around me. I had to fall off course in order to realize I was walking in the wrong direction. God has spoken to me through my teammates in one-on-ones and at feedback. As we have all let go more of who we were, we have made some serious ground. There are always going to be things we are working through and we are not always going to be running at the same pace. Nevertheless, we can take heart and trust that each other's words our drenched in love and tenderness. We had to have the tough moments to soften our callouses of pride, insecurity and untrustworthiness.
Our team often uses a clenched wrist or an open hand as a symbol for how we are deal with an issue. Obviously a clenched wrist yields white knuckles that are unwilling to let go of our beliefs, opinions and preferences. An open hand signifies our willingness to give whatever we are dealing with over to God with an obedient and open heart. After these past two months, my hand has remained paralyzed in the open position. I anxiously desire to imitate Christ's character in all that I do and say. Lord, I am Yours to take!
Those sacrifices I mentioned at the top of this blog, while highly influential to my growth thus far, are simply aportion of what I needed to let go.
Jesus said said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it" (Matthew 16:24-25).
I've lost my life.
There's no turning back now.
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