“If God wants to bless us and heal us then why am I still sick?”
He asked me this because he’s been fighting tuberculosis most of his life and I had just told him the story of Abraham waiting on a son from God. Om Con has two sons in monk school and two daughters filled with more wisdom from God than any preteen I’ve ever encountered. They’re only the second family in the village to study the Bible and it hasn’t even been two years yet. So it made sense that he was questioning and I answered it the only way I knew how.
“We just have to trust that God will heal us and bless us but He does it on His own time and all we can do is hope that our story glorifies God. Even through the suffering we have to praise God.”
Not even two weeks later, my words came back to haunt me. Trust God? Are you kidding? God is good? Not to me. I’ve known this about God my whole life but I’ve never had a harder time believing it. This month was hard for me because I had to be obedient. This is a new concept for me; you see, I’ve never really had a hard time doing the “right thing” because I didn’t mind it, but I’ve still always been one to do my thing. So when God told me that my thing wasn’t His thing I knew what I had to do. It was time to be obedient.
I would love to tell you that God told me what to do and right away I did it and obeyed but that would be a lie. I didn’t want to listen to God and I definitely didn’t want to give up my plans for His plans. I would also love to tell you that as soon as I was obedient everything became easier but that would also be a lie.
“Ok God, I listened to you. At least I think this is what you said to do. I fear that I am becoming someone I never wanted to be. I don’t understand how it can feel so bad if it was the right thing to do. Plus shouldn’t I be so excited to do your will? Shouldn’t I be excited for the plans you have for me? I feel like I am nothing and I deserve nothing and no one will understand me or respect me and I feel like I will never be blessed because I don’t deserve it. But this is not out of humility but because I am mad at you and having a hard time trusting you. I guess I didn’t think that looking more like you would make me look so weird to the rest of the world; even the people that knew me best. Please God, I need you. You are all I have.”
Empty.
Everything I knew, everything that I identified with stripped away. Being obedient to God meant dying to myself and that left me lost and empty. I haven’t found my identity in who the Lord has made me to be. So far in life I’ve only seen myself as playing a role or filling a slot. I am in school so that makes me a student. I go to church so that makes me a Christian. I have yet to walk in the characteristics that God has given me to live my life. The last thing I was holding on to and finding identity in was no longer with me because I obeyed.
I am uncertain how to be happy.
I am uncertain how to live broken.
I am uncertain what the future holds.
I am uncertain what your promise is.
I am uncertain what I want.
I am uncertain who I am.
I lean not on my own understanding.
Last July I was at training camp for the race and my coach Ruth asked me what I wanted to get out of this trip. “I want to know that God is enough,” I told her. When I realized that God was taking everything away from me to leave me with Him alone I saw what he was teaching me. I can be enough if you let me. “I just want to go home. I don’t want to keep going or try harder or persevere; I want to give up. I don’t want to change I want to be who I was.”
I was going through all of these things this month in Cambodia and leading Bible studies in the village for people who have seen demon possession, evil spirits, and severe illness. The day after I decided to obey God I shared the stories of Lazarus and Moses – the basis of both being trusting God because He wants to bless me and take care of me. This month was hard for me and I was extremely mad at God, but that’s ok. God can handle me. God doesn’t need me to fill a role or fit a mold, He calls us to be real and to be honest with Him. It doesn’t hurt God’s feelings when we are mad at Him, it doesn’t make Him love us less. He only asks that we trust Him.
We are allowed to be hurt and sad. Jesus wept, he allowed himself to be vulnerable. It’s not that we dismiss the pain, or discount the difficulty of our journey. But it does mean we recognize that even our greatest wounds, deepest pain and greatest agony will one day be transformed into beauty by the God who wastes nothing.
“I learned that faith isn’t about knowing all of the right stuff or obeying a list of rules. It’s something more, something more costly because it involves being present and making a sacrifice.” (Bob Goff – Love Does)
Faith is Jesus plus nothing; not even a building.
And when all you have is Jesus you have a lot of space to get to know him.
Bob Goff, a real life version of God’s love, says that God’s plan for Jesus is just for him to be with us. It is also what God has in mind for us and other people, just be present. Faith is not about having a plan, it’s about being present. And we can be present no matter how we feel about God each day because our mood does not affect whether or not He is present with us.
-C
