I want every person who reads this to know that I am begging God to speak through me right now. I do not have all of the answers but I know that if I can put my heart out here then this might make some kind of sense.
First, I want to say that this past year just preparing for the race alone has changed me – completely changed me in more ways than I can’t even express. Things that I have known my entire life were broken and molded into something new.
I left for Chicago last Tuesday morning for Launch. My squad and I were flying to our first month of ministry in Guatemala on Saturday morning.
That Saturday morning I flew home to South Carolina.
I honestly still don’t understand it all. I’ve taken several days to process everything and here is what I feel like I need to tell everyone. I fought a battle with this decision. It started with a gut feeling to just go home. I thought I was just scared but it was more than that. I was fighting lies from the enemy.
You’re not good enough.
You’re not prepared.
Everyone is going to look down on you if you go home.
You never finish anything…
You’re not prepared.
Everyone is going to look down on you if you go home.
You never finish anything…
I prayed and prayed and prayed and fought against the lies. I told Jesus that I wanted what HE wanted – no matter how hard it would be. I was completely willing to go either direction.
It came to a point where I knew if I got on the plane to Guatemala that I was only doing it to please people, not Jesus. Going home was going to be harder than going on the race but I had to be obedient. I felt a need to perform. If I didn’t go then I would be a failure. I fought that lie with truth. The moment I knew it would all be okay was the night before I flew home. All of the launching squads were gathered in a conference room at the hotel listening to an alumni racer share his testimony. He played a piece of a sermon for us. I laid my head down so I could concentrate and I heard these words:
God loves you
because He loves you
because He loves you
because He loves you
because He loves you
because He loves you.
So simple but powerful and true.
Why did I prepare? Why did I give up everything just to fly to Chicago for 4 days?
I don’t know it all yet. I may never know why I needed to come home but I do know that I am confident in my decision. I know that some people will not understand and I’m completely okay with that.
I needed to listen to Jesus and my heart and I did.
So what is the next step? I’m still figuring that out.
I want each of you to know that your love and support over the last year has wrecked me in the best way possible. I have seen Jesus provide in mind blowing ways and He did it through ya’ll. Thank you for allowing Him to use you. I pray that He will give you peace about my decision as well. If you have any questions about my experience or anything that I have learned I would love to get together and talk!
I want each of you to know that your love and support over the last year has wrecked me in the best way possible. I have seen Jesus provide in mind blowing ways and He did it through ya’ll. Thank you for allowing Him to use you. I pray that He will give you peace about my decision as well. If you have any questions about my experience or anything that I have learned I would love to get together and talk!
