“Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness!” Psalm 115:1
I wish I could tell you that I’ve figured it out. “I was suddenly aware there was a problem. So I thought about it, figured out the solution (speaking in the past), and now (in the present), everything is perfect again.” I wish I could tell you I’ve found the secret to overcoming this. But the truth is I haven’t. The truth is, because of my awareness, it is now something that is on my mind, constantly.
Two years ago, I started working in customer service for an automotive supplier. My account was Nissan. Suddenly, I couldn’t get in my own car and drive anywhere without seeing Nissan cars…everywhere. It was as if a part of me was intentionally seeking them out. Oh the joy of simply being made aware.
Here’s the thing. If you stopped reading right now, you would most likely never know what I am talking about. Seriously. You could read my statuses, look at my pictures, have conversations with me, even fly to Central America to follow me around, and still not know what’s really going on. That is the reality of the situation when it comes to dealing with matters of the heart. Unless those thoughts are verbally expressed, often times they can go unnoticed. That’s the beauty of it all. As long as we look good, people rarely question our motives. (Side note: Over the years, I have noticed that people, in general, can be very astute and perceive what is going on under the surface. The authentic nature of a person will eventually be discovered most of the time, no matter how careful we hope to be.) However, if I claim for an instant to buy into what I’m preaching, then I can’t settle for outward appearances (1 Samuel 16:7).
So what’s my big secret?? Fortunately, I can sum it up into one simple word:
PRIDE
Rewind back a couple days. I’m sitting on a concrete slab, surrounded by 19 other squad mates. Our contact in Costa Rica is sitting a few feet away from me. He essentially asked us,
“Who is getting the credit for the work that you are doing?”
Well, that’s an easy answer: God gets the glory! A+ for me! (Yes, I have grown up in church my whole life.)
But does He really? How accurate is that in my life? Last time I checked, I was the one that sacrificed a year of MY life to go on the World Race. I was the one living out of a backpack. Oh, and did you see ME?? Yep, that was ME hugging that little kid, ME building that wall, ME translating that curriculum, etc. I did *insert stereotypical missionary task here*. And then it happens. Hello, Awareness!
Now let’s be honest for a moment. What have I really done this year? Since I left for the WR, I have had 3 meals a day and access to clean drinking water 24/7. I have had a roof over my head and indoor plumbing. We find American comforts on the daily, whether it’s passing by a McDonalds or picking up a pack of Oreos and PB at the store. Life isn’t all that hard. And yet, I have the audacity to think I am actually the one making a difference.
Here are two problems with that:
1) As soon as I leave a location, all I’ve done goes with me. There is nothing of lasting value that stays behind. For instance, if my hugs are solely responsible for changing a child’s life, what happens to that child when my hugs stop?
2) It gives the impression to the rest everyone else, that the recipe to do something incredible with your life is to go to a foreign country, take some pictures with the less fortunate, write a couple of profound blogs, and, viola! You now have a purposeful life.
False
As awesome as my hugs may be, they can’t restore a broken heart. They can’t fill someone with peace. They can’t transform a life. They can’t redeem a life full of regret. They can’t fill that void we all have when we are searching for something more. They can’t remind someone every second of every day that they are truly loved by the One who created and defines Love. Christina can’t do any of those things. But I know the One who can.
Let me be clear with this next point. The World Race is not what has given my life purpose and meaning. It does not matter if I’m sitting on trash in dump in Nicaragua or on my front porch in suburbia Tennessee. My purpose is not contingent on a location. Thank God! I discovered that my life became full when I started pursuing a relationship with a God that is pursuing a relationship with me. HE has given my life a purpose. HE has transformed my life from a black-and-white, silent film to one that is full of color, music, and joy!
Back to my PRIDE…I have learned that when you shed light on an issue, it loses a lot of its control over you (Mark 4:22). I also have learned that one of the awesome aspects of living in a genuine community is knowing that I am never alone in the things I struggle with. There is always someone to empathize with me (1 Corinthians 10:13). I just have to be willing to be vulnerable.
So no, I haven’t figured it out. It is something I will continue seek to strive for, to be genuine in giving God the glory. But I can be confident in the promise given in Philippians 1:6, “…He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion…”
