February was an interesting month. The World Race has a reputation for growing you in the most uncomfortable ways. Digging up secrets and issues current and past, slapping you in the face and making you deal with them head on, hand and hand with the Lord, your team, and your squad. That is the beauty of community living.
“In order to set free people, you have to be set free from people.”
This phrase stuck with me from the very first week of the Race, and for a people pleaser like myself, this phrase is also a lot easier said than done. Welcome to the next month of my life. It all started February 1st when the Lord allowed certain issues that I thought I had buried at training camp resurface. The deep-rooted lie of my worthlessness. Only this time I got to see just how far down the rabbit hole went.
Our first Sunday in Quiche, Guatemala the ladies of C squad had a girl’s night. One of the activities we did was write our names on sheets of paper and hang it on a wall. Then each of us walked around the room and wrote out qualities about our sisters that we loved. At the end of the night I was handed a sheet filled with 31 uplifting and encouraging comments about who I was, and when I sat down to read them I realized that I didn’t believe a single one of them. I have heard the lies of worthlessness for so long that I do not even recognize them as lies anymore but rather as the truth. On top of that, I’ve rationalized everything around me to confirm that lie. I was walked away from by my father. My best is never enough for my mother. My best friends have all replaced me or left me. I have always been forgotten about or cast aside.
So how do you let go of something that has become so ruthlessly engrained into the core of your existence? Well, you go chase clouds. Literally.
A fellow squad mate and I went paragliding. I have no idea how I was talked into it. But as soon as the plans started being made, I had this feeling that this was something that the Lord wanted me to do. And while my squad mate’s intention was purely for an adrenaline rush, mine was to let go of everything that fed my lie. At 7:30 am we set off, and after 4 hours of chicken buses and sketchy taxis we finally made it to our destination, Lake Atitlan.
And can I say I was dragged off that cliff with so much style. I say dragged because that’s exactly what happened. And I felt like the change in my heart was the same way. Parts of me are going willingly, yet others are still reluctant. And while of course old habits die-hard and I still struggle, the Lord is quick to gently remind me of those quiet moments in the air when it was just me and the quiet whispers of the wind ministering to my spirit. The lies that Satan speaks over me are finally being countered by the truth that I have a Savior who finds me so beautiful, and worthy that He died for me. One that will never walk away from me or pick someone else over me.
I am and always will be the apple of His eye.
