After being on the Race for three months I can safely say the World Race is one of the most challenging things I have ever done. And although I truly have never been happier, or more certain of the fact that this is where The Lord wants me, that doesn’t mean that it’s been without a struggle. In fact everyday on the Race has entailed it’s own struggles.
Such as learning to live in community with the same six people, being with them 24/7, and learning how to push one another to grow without pushing too hard. Like learning how to be honest and vulnerable with one another and addressing the hard stuff. Which includes my oh so “favorite” part about the World Race, feedback, which we do everyday! For those who don’t know what feedback is, stay tuned I’m sure I will write a blog about that one day, but for now: feedback is when our team all gathers together and we give positive or constructive feedback to one another. It’s a time where we address any issues and an opportunity for us to grow in the areas that could be strengthened. Feedback is a concept totally foreign to many, especially myself, as we tend to go thru life too afraid of hurting anyones feelings, so we hold it in until it bothers us and then eventually end up gossiping about that person and their flaws. When really, how can we hold that person accountable when we never had the courage to address it to them in the first place? Being someone that struggles far too much with caring about what others think about me, feedback has been quite the challenge.
Then there’s the struggle of having absolutely no idea what lies ahead, sometimes not even knowing what tomorrow looks like. Such as the unexpected surprise that my team would not be going to Costa Rica, but Panama. It’s that constant battle of remembering not to have expectations, but then realizing that’s almost impossible, so you have to let go and give it back to God. All the hopes and expectations you had for that day, that week, or even for that month.
Then there’s the struggle of feeling totally and completing alone. Of having the people back at home, who once knew everything about you, not have a clue in the world what your life looks like now or the person you’re becoming. Not seeing or experiencing the places and the people that are ever so surely changing your life. That overwhelming struggle of wanting to convey it all but knowing there are some things you just can’t put into words.
Or having to rediscover or discover who you were meant to be or who you are becoming. Having everything about your life look so different, that you’re not really sure about anything anymore, except for everything you know about God and who He is.
There’s been the common challenge of having to die to yourself daily and let go of your pride. Especially in the many odd jobs we are asked to do, such as spending the day in the blazing sun sweeping the dirt ground for hours trying to maintain a good attitude when the whole time you are trying to figure out the point of cleaning dirt.
Or the challenge of being uncomfortable. Such as tarantulas and giant flying insects and not being able to remember the last time your entire body wasn’t covered in bug bites that constantly itched. Or fish eye soup and pasta with pieces of chicken heart. Cold showers, living out of a backpack, and Internet miles away.
But the biggest challenge for me has been completely falling in love each month and then having to leave, knowing you probably won’t see them again. It’s been exhausting pouring my heart out and giving all that I have to love whomever God has placed in our path, taking on their sorrow and feeling their pain as if it were my own. Seeing the injustices done in these countries and around the world and questioning if you’re really making a difference can be so hard. But the hardest question of all, is the one where I question God.
It took me a while, but in a moment of clarity and tears, I realized that I was still angry at God. In all the situations that have broken my heart on the Race…seeing children without parents, families sleeping outside in the cold, sick babies, or starving people, I finally realized that there was a part of me that blamed God for all of that. And at the very heart of it all there was still a part of me that was angry at God for taking my mom.
On the way to our last day of church in Nicaragua, my favorite little boy Derrick had to say goodbye to his mom. It was his first time seeing her since she had to put him in the children’s home because she couldn’t afford to even provide food for them. My heart broke, seeing the tears build up in his eyes as he said bye mommy and as his little lip began to quiver until he finally broke down into tears as we drove away. It was the hardest moment on the Race. When we got to church and started to worship, I just broke down into tears. I was heart broken. It just didn’t seem fair to me! Why couldn’t Derrick be with his mommy. Why would God do this! And for the first time on the Race I told God I was angry at Him. And as soon as I admitted it, as soon as I gave my anger to Him, as the tears were streaming down my face, the worship song te da Gloria came on. The little kids had been singing it all month and it is so catchy that we would all sing with them. In English it means to give God glory. And in that moment God lovingly spoke to me.
Christina, in every situation in your life, and especially in losing your mom, I have had the glory and you have witnessed it. No where is it more evident then in your own life that I have turned a horrible situation into something beautiful. What makes you think that I won’t do that for Derrick or for all the other children. Your heart is going to break a lot on this Race, but that’s a good thing. I created you to love and feel deeply. When your heart breaks it means it’s being used for what it was made for. Trust in my goodness princess.
Every day on the Race can seem a little exhausting in all areas of life, physical, spiritual, and mental. But one thing I have had to realize is that God didn’t force me to come on the Race. Yes, it’s where He wants me and where He asked me to go, but He never forced. I choose to be here, I choose to come on the Race. So when bad or difficult things happen I can’t be angry with Him. I know and trust, for I have seen, that He will have the glory in all situations. That he will use everything that breaks my heart and turn it into something beautiful. This Race is hard but it is so good, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I didn’t sign up for easy, you don’t get change from easy! Being refined in the fire has taken on a whole new meaning for me and brought so much peace. And this peace had come at the perfect timing. I felt God telling me that something about this month was going to be difficult. And when my biggest fear for the Race came true, being sick on a travel day, and laying in a hospital bed hooked up to an IV, I had his peace. So much so that I didn’t look at it as a circumstance to be angry at God in, but as an opportunity to test my faith and trust that my Father would have the glory in this situation. In which He has! I am alive and well and so ready to have my heart break again, to give all that I have, and to fall in love with the beautiful people of Panama.
