When I came home from the world race, I spent 8 miserable months in “transition.” For most of that time, I had no job, no home church, and not too many friends. I actually became one of those people that buys things to make themselves feel better. And I’m probably one of the cheapest people you know! Yet I often found myself at Target, Walmart, or wandering around one of the other many shopping centers in Southern California. Out of sheer boredom, I would walk around different stores to create some kind of “purpose” for my day. I literally spent my days on shopping, exercising, and taking care of the dogs.
The point of me strolling down this unpleasant memory lane, is to communicate the extent to which I would never want to re-live this time, or ever have to be job/friend/church/lifeless again in the future. I would never willingly choose that situation. And that is why I told myself, and everyone else, that I wouldn’t leave Manila until my “next thing” was figured out. I wouldn’t set a certain amount of time to be in Manila, only to come back home clueless and in the same situation as before.
With that being said, I have two pieces of news to share:
1. I still have no idea what is “next.”
2. I’m coming home.
I know, I know…. what the heck am I doing?
All of this is very recent. I haven’t been keeping my plans secret for a long time or anything like that. I came back to Manila from my 6 week Southeast Asia trip ready to jump into at least 3 full months of ministry. I told everyone that my plan was to stick around at least till the end of August. And I don’t like doing less than a commitment; I wouldn’t be bumping up my date unless I really felt like it was the right thing.
There are actually a few reasons for feeling like my time in Manila has come to an end….
1. With my commitment as a teacher being finished at the end of the last school year, my other commitments to ministry that remain are: discipling the girls, communication work for K.I.M, and ideas I had for working on a sponsorship program for the kids at school. Over the next month I will continue working on the sponsorship program, setting up a system for others to continue, and if possible, continuing to help with while back at home. As for my role in communications, there was someone before me, and I have no doubt there will be someone after me. This role isn’t designed around me as an individual, and there are several people who could take over when I leave. That leaves discipleship with the girls. That is the hard part. Soon I will become one of the many who has come and gone in their lives. I’ll leave them, just like their parents left them. I’ll leave them, just like so many other volunteers who have come. It rips me apart to think about this. So much so that I am avoiding thinking about it and will stop talking about it too….
2. There is a family situation at home that really prevents me from being 100% here anyways, at least mentally. I don’t know for sure, but maybe God wants me to be at home for the family right now…
3. Over the past 8 months God has really been putting in me a desire to return to the States and work on getting my Masters degree. It’s something that pops into my head on a semi-regular basis, not only the desire to return to school, but also the desire just to be back in America, to focus on getting a job, saving up some money, and continuing my education.
4. And lastly, my funds are slowly running out! At one point I was fully supported on a month to month basis, but my monthly donated funds have been decreasing over the last few months, and I have been taking money from my general fund to have enough to live on. Between purchasing my ticket home, and living funds for the next two months, I’ll probably run out completely in another two months.
And so it seems that all signs are pointing to home. This doesn’t make it easy. As much as I am excited to go home, there is an equal (if not larger) part of me that is afraid of going home, and all that goes along with it (more on that in another blog).
But before too much time passed, I wanted to blog just to let everyone know that I am coming home earlier than expected.
The day? July 11.
Less than a month, I know….
Mark the calendar and then pray like crazy for my last month here and my transition back there.
(More blogs to follow in a few days on my thoughts and feelings.)
