The other night we were discussing our original purposes for
coming on the race. I’ve often tried to pinpoint my reason, not able to do so
successfully. But the other night, I realized that my main motivation was to serve. I felt compelled to join the race
so that I could serve people around the world and serve my team as well. Kind
of ironic, since I have no desire to do that anymore. My passion to serve has
been stripped away, and I am left with the choice
to serve instead.
So why the change in desire? I’ve come to two conclusions,
both of which are connected to the fact that this was not an accident. The reason that the desire has changed is because
God allowed it to happen. He turned the switch off.
Now why in the world would God do that? I believe that God
is trying to teach me a lesson, but like many times, I refuse to be taught. To
put it simply, I ignore God. As I was talking with our current host Tom about
this, he provided me with some more insight. Earlier, when I said that I always
used to love serving others… that was only the half of it. To be honest,
serving has become my identity. When
I’m serving, I feel alive. I feel worthy, I feel on track. When I’m not
serving, I feel like I’m failing God, like I’m wasting my time, like I’m not
contributing to the body of Christ.
Do I know Christ apart from serving? Do I know the Lord in
the most intimate way that I can? I’ve come to realize that I have used
ministry to hide from the Lord, and in doing so, have not sought after him like
I should. The Lord says that when we seek him we will find him, when we seek
him with all of our hearts. And as I
sit here contemplating this verse, I know that I have not sought after him with
my whole heart.
Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with serving in the body of Christ. In fact, the Lord
calls us to have the heart of a servant. But I know that for me personally, at
this point in my life, the Lord is asking me to slow down and to shift my
focus. As Tom put it, God is saying slow
down and just come be with me.
The bible also points out that many will call out to God, explaining
that they have prophesied in his name, healed people in his name, and performed
miracles in the name of the Lord. But the Lord says: “Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I
never knew you.'” How awful would
that be? I could spend my whole life serving the Lord, but never know him. That
isn’t good enough for me. I want to know
the Lord. I want to sit in his presence and be content just being with him. I
want to spend everyday walking alongside him, hearing his quiet voice guiding
my every step. I don’t want to just spend an hour with him every morning and
then reserve the rest of the day for myself. No, I want the whole day to be spent
walking alongside the Lord, being so in tune to his voice, that I don’t miss
one thing he has for me. The simplest way to put it: pray, listen, obey.
So I ask for your prayer in these next three months, as I
seek to transition to a new stage. It isn’t easy for me to sit still, even if
it is sitting with the Lord. Pray that the Lord would come and meet me. Pray
that I can sit still long enough to be with him. Pray for me as I seek to live
out the well known verse in Psalm 46: Be
still and know that I am God.
“For
everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.”
Matthew
7:8
