Three days ago is a day that will stick in my memory. It is the day I spent with God alone in Rwanda. I hadn’t wanted to; I had wanted to go to ministry. We are allowed to stay back if we feel the Lord is telling us to, but I always felt guilty for not spending the time with God during our free time that I should, so rarely did it. That morning though, it was confirmed by two other people, so I stayed. And this is what He showed me: I was guilty of pride; my eyes had strayed off of Him and onto me… again.
My team preaches 19 times a week here; three times a day Monday through Friday, and four times on Sundays. At first this terrified me. Not because I cannot get up there and speak, but because I have never had to speak to the same group of people that often, and I was afraid that I wouldn’t have that many things to say to them. The Lord has always shown up when I had to speak before, but I have never had to speak to a group more than about three times in a two month period before.
My fear was completely groundless though. Not only did God move in me every time I was supposed to speak, but He moved in such power that I began to desire to get up there every chance I got. Everyone was affirming me right and left, confirming God’s power moving in me. I knew it was all Him. I was so in awe of what He had done in me this month, but about a week ago the switch had happened. I had begun to get hooked on that affirmation 
from men. I had begun, once again, to stop being in awe of who God is and what He has done, and began to think, “Yes, this is it. I am really good at this, they are so right.” Your pride can flare up without you necessarily thinking that you are the best thing ever. Just by giving myself the pat on the back instead of having a heart more and more filled with gratitude to God, was selfish pride. And with that comes insecurity, because I stopped being confident in who I was in Christ alone, but began feeding on validation from men to get that feeling of worth.
God broke my heart that day. I knew I had sinned, and I felt like a wreck before Him. I asked Him why He didn’t leave us. Why did He still speak to me and use me to speak to His people, if my heart was no longer in the right place? Why hadn’t He moved on to prompting someone whose heart was fully on Him, until I repented at least? I just could not believe that in the midst of Him using me so strongly, that I had been so faithless. How could He have such patience with me?
This is how He answered me: “My grace is sufficient for you.” I bawled. I have only heard God as clearly one other time in my life. I didn’t understand it. Isn’t humility the one thing He prizes i
n His servants more than anything except love? Here I was, trying to share in the glory that is HIS ALONE, and that is what He says to me. Instead of being deemed useless, I was swimming in a beautiful, neverending sea of grace.
When I was done crying, He finished what He had said to Paul so long ago, “My power is made perfect in weakness,” and soon after added a phrase that I will never forget, “Your obedience is beautiful.” He said that with such tenderness, and I understood… an obedient heart is what He desires. He doesn’t withdrawal from us every time we fail because He sees our hearts, and knows our true desires. Yes, our actions matter very much, and the Lord sees our sin and what we struggle with, but He also knows where our desire truly lies.
So that’s my question… does your heart truly lie with Him? If you feel like He’s turned from you, how have you treated His discipline? Do you have an obedient heart? David messed up so badly, but when shown his error, he felt the weight of it fully, turning completely from his sin, and wholeheartedly back to God. The Lord does not say his actions were ever perfect, but He does say that David was a man after His own heart, and that counted for everything. 
For the first time I truly get that your heart is what God sees when He looks at you. Do not deceive yourselves, if your heart is rebellious or bitter against God, any determination to follow His precepts, or read your Bible as much as possible, or spread His Word… it is all for nothing. Read the story of the rich young ruler. He wanted so much to be told by someone that he was justified, because in his heart he knew, and feared, the truth. He knew that his heart was on the things of this world, not on God.
But if your heart desire is the Lord, let yourself be held in His grace. Stop beating yourself up every time you fail. The Lord does not want you to stay wracked with shame, all He wants is for you to turn your eyes right back onto Him. Your heart of obedience is beautiful, and why God does, and will continue to use you mightily for His kingdom.
(pics – top right – lydia speaking with Paul translating at a Sunday morning service. Middle left – Augustine, Paul and I with kids we met evangelizing. Middle right – me and Dativa, a member of the church and one of our translators. Bottom right – Christina speaking with Paul translating at a night service.)
