What does it take Lord? What does it take to be Your faithful servant, to walk in Your pres
ence every moment? Because honestly, I feel like I have no idea. I know You are on the verge of doing something big, I can feel it building yet the Race is so hard Lord. It is so much harder than I expected. I expected to become alive in Your presence constantly, to glow and blossom with an internal fire that cannot be put out. Instead I feel like I am shrinking, becoming less and less myself while watching other people rise up. Why Lord did you bring me here? Why did you bring me through ten years of training for ministry to then drop me into an environment where not only am I not thriving, but I can't seem to find my footing? I feel so tiny right now.
That was me this morning, but why is that? How in the world could I feel so tiny when I am on the opposite side of the world, befriending prostitutes and sharing God's love with the least of these? Because I forgot that the Lord is truly my father. I forgot what a loving father is actually like with His children. Fathers delight in their children. When they are with their beloved child, no one else matters; He does not compare one child with another, and does not expect perfection. And what hit me above all is that He does not condemn when you make a mistake, or move on to another; He smiles and patiently corrects you or waits for you to realize your mistake, and then gently guides you down the right path, taking joy and pride in the fact that you run to Him and listen to His correction.
When did I stop vie
wing God like this? Why have I been jealous of how I perceive other's relationship with Him to be like when all He ever asks of me is to take what He has given me and to run with it? I was never meant to fit a mold, never meant to take on a particular role I placed on myself. I am not meant to define myself based on who I think the Lord is molding me into. Did you hear that? WE were not meant to define ourselves by who we THINK the Lord is molding us into. Why do we have to figure that out? Why do we feel the need to discover who we were meant to be for the rest of our lives? First of all, we change, all the time if we are growing in Christ; we do not reach a stagnant point where we are the same from that moment on. Secondly, God will show us. I know that probably sounds completely contrary to a large part of what we've thought being a Christian is about. One of the biggest things we seek after is knowing what the Lord wants us to do with our life, me more than anyone. But why? If the Father is who He said He is… if His promises are real and He really directs our paths when we seek Him, then where is my faith? If it's true that when we ask anything according to His name it will be done, why this continual desperate pleading for Him to show us where (or to what) we are called?
Today while we were praying for the teams heading out to night ministry, Lauren from A squad shared something the Lord had put on her heart. She was praying earlier, wondering what kind of impact they were really making and the Lord told her, "Well done good and faithful servant." She had 
a really hard time accepting that, believing that it couldn't really be that absolute, especially remembering the times she felt she should have done something differently, but the Lord told her to look up the passage. I am sure most of you are familiar with it, it is the parable of the talents. She read it to us, and one of the things that the Father hit me with is that He does not compare the servants. He does not look down upon the man He gave the 2 talents vs. the man He gave the 5 talents to. He does not sigh and say, I wish you were strong enough to handle the 5 talents, but since you aren't I'll see if you can do something with 2. No, in both those cases, He says, "Well done my good and faithful servant. Since you were faithful in little I will give you much, enter into the joy of your master." All He asks of us is to be obedient daily with what He has given us. He is waiting to welcome us into His joy. The expectations I have set up for myself are rubbish, and that's all they are, MY expectations.
Oh Lord, I no longer want to seek Your will for the rest of my life, show me what You want me to do now, THIS moment. All I want is You. ALL I want is You, and I trust You Lord. I believe that You do love me, that 
You do have a plan for me, that You do have me here for a reason that is so much bigger than I can see right now. I give that up to You Lord, I do not need to know what it is, I don't need to see it, You will show me in Your time. All I need to know, is that today a devout Buddhist lady in the bars actually let us pray for her, that another one got so excited when we came in that for the first time she asked the bartender to translate so she could speak to us; that another one recognized we were Christians without even having to be told. That is all I need to know. I truly love these women, and if the Lord never does anything else it doesn't matter because He HAS used me.
(pics – these are the women you have been praying for, and the ones my heart breaks for everyday. I put them in this blog to always remind me of what the Lord is doing)
