So the thing about blogging is that, the longer you go
without doing it, the harder it is to GET yourself to do it. I am sorry if you really have been
interested in what I’ve been up to for this past month and a half while I have
pretty much left you devoid of information. I know that I haven’t been great at communicating and, hey,
that’s actually what I’m about to talk about.
Just to update you, I am now in Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City),
Vietnam. Cambodia has come and
gone and I wish I had the ability to go back and fill you in on the month but
we’re going to start on filling you in with the here and now. Baby steps eh?
The reality is that I have been in a funk for the past month
and a half or so. Ever been in a
funk before? In case you don’t
know what I mean by that, a “funk” is this thing where, for a period of time,
you just don’t really know what’s going on with yourself. You know that you’re not emotionally or
spiritually in the place that you want to be or CAN be, but you’re not sure why
you’re not there. It’s a very
frustrating feeling that I’m pretty sure is familiar to most people.
SO, a couple things that I really have always taken a lot of
pride in are that I don’t really get stressed out or angry and that I can
generally handle “situations” whatever those may be. Essentially, I pride myself on being levelheaded and
self-sufficient. The key word there being “pride.” I was talking with my little sister recently and she
basically told me that I like people to think I’m “the guy without any problems.” She was right.
For the first few months of this race, I at least THINK I
had a good handle on my role of team leading. I felt like I knew how to listen to the Lord, follow His
leading, and invite my team to follow with me. (my team may have an alternative perspective but that’s at
least how I felt. Haha) I think I
actually kind of prided myself a little bit on having done a good job…but the
point is that I felt well equipped to fulfill my role of team leader with tools
that the Lord has given me over the years.
Then, in month four, I got the opportunity to step into this
new role as a squad leader and I was so ready for the challenge. I was doing my absolute best to listen
to the Lord as Rachel and I stepped into leading this squad. There were a lot of new things to
juggle but I really loved the role that Jesus gave me to play in this
family. I loved pouring into the
people on our squad and for a long time, it felt like Jesus and I were right
there, arm in arm, just blasting through month after month…squad time after
squad time. Again, I’m not trying to say I did things perfectly but I just felt
like I knew how to keep my heart in the game and felt like I was able to follow
the Lord’s leading…at least most of the time.
About a month and a half ago, something changed though. All of a sudden, the simplest acts of
leading out and the simplest communications of love became SO draining. In the last month and a half, I have
actually broken down multiple times when I’m alone. I have found myself even getting angry sometimes at
people. That just isn’t the me
that I’m used to. I’m not used to
losing control of myself. I’m not
used to feeling like I’m unable to lead out on things without becoming
overwhelmed or stressed out. I’m not used to feeling like I just don’t have the
energy, and I’m definitely not used to the feeling of beginning to lose my
temper.
There was one time in particular that I was feeling so
overwhelmed by the weight of leadership (whether it’s a real weight or not, I
was feeling it), that I went outside during a rainstorm, cocooned myself in a
hammock while it was pouring rain, and just lost it. I had no idea how to handle leading and loving for 2 more
months. I had no idea how to
handle being so INTENSELY homesick for 2 more months. I had no idea about anything.
I realized that day how important it has always been to me
to feel like I’m sufficient. I
looked back at my life and could see all the times in my life where I have
pursued the paths where I know I am smart enough to succeed on my own
brains. I looked at the situations
where I felt like I might have needed help and realized that I have tried to
avoid those situations as much as I possibly can. I have always tried to be in the position of
self-sufficiency. Even in my
relationship with God, I have always wanted to bring my crap to people once
I’ve already got it figured out because I want them to know that I can figure
my stuff out on my own.
I think what I really realized is that, even though I’ve
given people the advice over and over again to LEAN on the Lord, I have
absolutely zero idea what that means or how to do it. And actually, as I am writing this right now, I’m realizing
that I have never learned how to lean on others well either. Sure, there are a few people I know how
to lean on…but leaning is my LAST resort.
So that day, I realized that I was absolutely at the point
where I needed to lean on the Lord and that I had zero idea how to do
that. The next week and a half
were spent being really frustrated about not being able to figure out how to do
it or what it meant. I felt like I
had no energy to fulfill my role and felt like I was failing because I couldn’t
figure this out. Finally, the day
after we got to Vietnam, Jesus and I had a talk.
I was at the point of desperation and just didn’t know what
to do. I told Jesus that He didn’t
have to give me the whole solution or all of the answers but that I needed to
at least know step one so that I could start moving forward. All He told me was “communicate.”
I realized that, since the time that I began feeling
insufficient and have felt like I’m struggling, I have stopped communicating. I
have stopped communicating to my squad, to my co-leader, to my family, to
anyone who reads my blog, etc. And
even the one person I was still talking to frequently was getting the guarded
version of how I’m doing. The
person that I’m closer to than anyone in the world was getting the “everything
is fine” story because I didn’t know how to communicate that I am at the end of
my rope.
SO, I’ve spent the last 5 days or so trying to communicate
where I’m at to the people I love.
I don’t have any idea what the heck step two of leaning on the Lord is
but I feel like, in a roundabout way, step 1 was acceptance of the fact that I
am struggling and setting my pride aside so that I could actually ask for help.
I think that, until I started
being willing to share how I’m doing with other people, I couldn’t really start
to deal with it. Until I
began to put it into words and admit that I’m tired and worn out and don’t know
what I’m doing anymore, I could never have started the process of leaning on
the Lord. I was still trying to
hold myself up with my crutch of “I’ve got this taken care of by myself”.
Don’t know if this hits home for anybody else out there but
I think it’s just really hit home for me that Jesus doesn’t carry us through
things that we keep in the dark.
If we aren’t willing to shed some light and be honest about the stuff we
are going through with the people we love and who love us, there’s no way that
we’re going to be able to believe the truth about ourselves when He starts
speaking it to us. The weight is
so much heavier when the people you love don’t have the opportunity to carry it
with you.
It is amazing how much strength the Lord has spoken into me
through the people that I love as I have been honest about what I’m struggling
with. Heck, maybe there isn’t even
a second step to leaning on the Lord.
Maybe leaning on the Lord can be as simple as leaning on the people that
He has placed around us and letting them be His voice into our lives? I don’t know. I’m still just trying to be obedient with step one and we’ll
see if Jesus has a step two for me.
I’ll keep you posted…and I’ll give you an update on how awesome Vietnam is here soon too!
“The things that we
are unwilling to speak about are, incidentally, the things that most often consume
us.”
