I’ve been looking around this apartment a lot lately. Taking in past Christmas decorations and all that. And I’ve found myself feeling an overwhelming mix of thankful and grief. Like I sometimes feel around my dog; like I love him so much that I then think of losing him and become filled with sadness.
Today, I look around this place, Apartment 3G, and I want to dance. It’s as if something so lovely must be celebrated and filled up with bright colors and movement and laughter and life. It’s ironic though, because my past 8 months living here haven’t been marked by an overwhelming amount of those things. In fact, exactly the opposite. Life at 3G has felt sad. Anxious. Shameful. Alone. Somber. Sorrowful.
I dreamt of having my very first place for about two years before I moved in. I dreamt of a place filled up with people and voices and conversations and intimacy and relationship. I wanted my home to be both a space of growing and learning in community as well as a place for celebrating and dancing in the kitchen.
I don’t totally understand why it hasn’t been.
And maybe that’s because my perception is a little bit off. This place while isolating at times has proved a space for my growth. It has been a safe place for rough landings, tearful moments, and couch curl ups. It made room for all of me. A space I haven’t often let be occupied. And it hasn’t been pretty or colorful. Or filled with laughter. But maybe it’s been healing.
Amidst the grey clouds that hang here instead of bright colored confetti, are parts of me thousands of other walls haven’t seen. So maybe I need to give 3G a little more gratitude, a little bit more often. And quite possibly that means doing the same for myself these days.
Now that I’m leaving you, 3G, I want to celebrate you. I want to dance in your kitchen and laugh loudly. But in the same way that life shows up with both the bitter and the sweet, giving us light so we know the dark, I want to celebrate the suffering that has happened here. 3G, I let you in and you saw me. You held me. And I made it through.
Now, lets dance.
