xxx
This just happened. This is fresh. This is raw. This is real. This is not organized into a nice little blog after the fact. This is now. This is where I am at. This is me.
I DON'T BELIEVE I AM WORTHY
This morning from 8 – 10, we had an organized prayer walk. We were put into partners (mixing teams) and were asked to ask God what we were supposed to pray for and where we were supposed to go. My partner and I (who was a different partner due to both of ours being sick) had it on our heart to pray for the sick. Pray for the sick girls amongst our squad and the sick girls in spirit in this area. We were told by God to pray over the building we are staying in from top to bottom.
Before we went out, my former team leader, Jess, came over to me and gave me a vision. She said she saw a lamb and that it was for me. She felt God was telling me that I was worthy and fit and equipped to do His mission today. She did not know that my mission was going to be praying for the sick.
We started at the top of the building and prayed on the roof and all of the bedrooms. We got to the common room and prayed there. Before we left the room, I asked Jamie, my partner, to pray for me.
In high school, I pulled my forearms from playing piano and got tendonitis. I went to many chiropractors and physical therapists and took lots of medicine. Things would get better, but then they would get worse. It would go in stages. The last two months my arms, shoulders and back have been killing me. It is probably the worse it has been. Since it has become so normal, I never tell people. I just deal with it. I have been realizing that I am not speaking this out and have been starting to share my struggle with people.
Jamie prayed for me and then I prayed for myself. I heard the Lord say, “Christel, I am your doctor. Come to me first to get your healing. I want to heal YOU. Not just the people around you, but YOU.
Jamie and I went downstairs and continued to pray. I went to use the bathroom and while I was in there, I thought about the image Jess gave me from earlier. The lamb. I immediately started to sing a song with the lyrics “Worthy is the lamb who was slain. Holy Holy is He”. God's voice replied with gentle,
“You're as worthy as Christ”.
Jamie and I went downstairs to the common room to meet up with the rest of the girls. We all started sharing what God spoke to us on our prayer walk. It was in that moment I realized that I believe the lie
I AM NOT WORTHY
Six months into the race, I have learned that I need to speak these lies out. If you keep them in then the enemy can just continue to feed that lie. So after some others went and I got the courage to speak, I spilled my heart on the floor. I shared this all with them and just sobbed. Women immediately surrounded me and layed their hands on me. Jess prayed over me.
I know that this is a lie from the enemy. I know logically that I am worthy, but I am still learning how to believe it in my heart. I know God wants to know how worthy I am to be healed by Him. That whatever I tell others to encourage them, I can believe about myself. But I will be honest. I don't know how to believe these things. I know that God is the only one who can answer this and I know this is the time. I want to be able to encourage the women around me that they are worthy, but I can't do that until I believe it for myself.
As I am finishing up this blog the Lord just told me
“Anything you think or tell other women this month is for you, too.
Sweetie, it's ok to believe these things.
I love you.”
