When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a vet. That is, until I discovered what vets have to perform surgery on the cute little animals that I just wanted to cuddle. When I was a little bit older I was in my first play, I loved it so much I dreamed of being an actress. Until I realized that I don’t want to be a part of that industry. Now, I’m in the spot in my life to actually go and chase my dreams, but for the first time in my life, I have no idea what my dream is.
Before I came on this trip I thought I knew a little picture of what I wanted to do when I got home. But now, I feel like I’m even more lost than when I started. I recently realized that I have no idea what my dream is. I don’t know what I want to go chase after when I get home. And that’s hard for me. I’d been praying about what’s next ever since I started this journey, and the Lord finally gave me an answer while I was exploring Duranak falls here in the Philippines.
I climbed up in the brush surrounding the falls, carefully planning where to put my feet and which tree to hold onto. My mind focused on how to get to the cave above, but never taking the next step until I’m sure of it’s safety. While climbing I realized something. My walk with the Lord is exactly like how I was climbing the mountain.
I never move from my current spot in life until I’m absolutely sure of the next one. I always pray and pray and pray for an answer of what’s next in my life, and even when I get an answer I still pray some more, just to be absolutely sure. I realized that I don’t need to live my life like that, I’m not always going to get to have everything all planned out. I’d been praying for the Lord to tell me what’s next ever since I started the race. And the answer He gave me? I’m not going to know what’s next.
Not only do I not get to know what’s next, but I don’t even know where to start when it’s time to start searching again. I don’t have a dream. I don’t know what I want to do. But instead, I know who I want to be. And that’s what the Lord is teaching me here on the Race. Never before have I had a desire to change my character, but the Lord has been giving me that. The more I read my Bible the more I’m inspired to become someone new. Someone who blesses others, who is humble, who loves well, who is wise, and peaceful. I want to be someone who sees people.
Since living life on mission I’ve been able to work along side some really cool people. People who see a need in the community and meet it, who are intentional about time with others. People who are missed by the community when they’re gone. That’s who I want to be. Someone who isn’t consumed in myself but rather consumed in others. My goal for 2017 is to grow in each of the love languages so that I can learn to love better.
When I think of future me, I don’t imagine myself with any specific job or living in any specific place. But instead, I see myself as someone people come to for wisdom and comfort. Someone who goes above and beyond to make someone’s day. I imagine myself knowing my community, volunteering to help make it a better place. Having personal relationships with the people, celebrating and mourning with them.
I don’t have a dream job, but I have a dream me. A person I desire to become. When I started the race the Lord told me He wanted to make me new. I didn’t quite know what that meant, but now I think I do. I want to open my mouth with wisdom and have the teaching of kindness be on my tongue ( Proverbs 31:26 ). I want to be pure, peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere ( James 3:17). I want to have sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart and a humble mind. I don’t want to repay evil for evil, but to bless. ( 1 Peter 3:8-9 ) I want to have a gentle and quiet spirit that delights in the Lord and is chill with whatever is thrown my way. I guess ultimately, I want to be like God. That’s my true dream.
