Fun fact about me : I struggle with pride. It’s not something that’s noticeable about me, it’s more of an internal thing. When I evaluate my motives for many things I often find that they’re driven by me wanting to get bragging rights or self glorification. Thankfully, it’s not the kind of pride that causes me to act high and mighty, but sometimes I get mad at myself for thinking of myself better than others.
The Lord told me early on in my World Race journey that He wanted to make me new. And when I realized that one of my main struggles is pride, I knew that was the first area He wanted to tackle. But I had no idea how to go about breaking it down. I had been asking Him how for several weeks with no answer. It wasn’t until squad debrief in Montenegro that He finally told me.
I had time to ponder my struggle while on the roof of a boat to Kotor, a beautiful city in Montenegro. I sat and marveled at the 360 view of mountains that surrounded me, wishing that I had my camera and contemplating asking someone to take a picture of me. But then it hit me, I only want a picture of me here so I can post it on social media and make my Instagram look cool so everyone will be jealous of my awesome adventurous life. That’s only bringing glory to myself, and that just feeds my pride. That’s when the Lord finally gave me an answer to prayer, a way to cut down my pride. Don’t make this trip about myself, don’t ask people to take pictures of me doing cool things in cool places. It seems easy enough, but my goodness is it hard. We went to so many beautiful places that day, and so many times I was tempted to ask someone to take a picture of me. It was hard, but I knew it was for the better, and I was so thankful the Lord finally gave me a practical way to work on my pride. But He didn’t stop there.
Not only was the country of Montenegro so incredible, but so was the hostel we were staying at, Hostel Anton. They had never had a group our size before and it radically changed the atmosphere. For better. We had left such an impact on that place that we were asked if we would like to paint a mural on one of their walls outside that desperately needed some color. After brainstorming for a few hours we finally came up with a design. And it was my design! I was so thrilled that my idea was picked, and the thought that something I designed would be in one of the coolest spots I’ve ever been for all future travelers to see made me excited. But it also woke up the pride in me again. I wanted it to be a chance for me to show off my skills, and for hundreds of people to see my talent. But God had other plans.We were all excited at our (my) idea and how it incorporated everyone’s ideas within it. But when we showed it to the owner of the hostel, he didn’t like it, and started suggesting other ideas and describing his vision for the wall. I was kinda mad that my idea was so easily shot down, and I tried to fight for it. But my squad mates who were working with me were more willing to hear him out and put what he wanted on the wall as a way of honoring him. As we started brain storming new ideas I was pouting and throwing a pity party because every idea they talked about I didn’t have the talent to execute.
Somewhere along the line the Lord helped me realize how prideful I was being. Just like with my decision about taking pictures of me, I decided to be hands off with the mural. Instead of trying to weasel my way into everything I would only help when needed, I would encourage those who were doing a fantastic job, give them credit, and I would invite other squad mates to come help paint in a triangle or two.
Let me tell you. It was hard. Harder than I thought it would be. And it sucked. I wanted to get glory for the cool thing I was taking part in. But God used that mural in such a beautiful way. He broke down my pride. And yes, it’s still something I struggle with. But that was the biggest step forward I have taken to conquer it in a long time. I was excited about that mural because it gave me a chance to bring glory to myself. Instead, God turned it around to bring glory to Him. And I’m glad He did.
