I am realizing more and more that I am a female. I want to be romanced and pursued and loved. Every girl does. We all want to feel cherished and appreciated and known. Honestly, this fact is pretty frustrating to me. Why is it that we crave male attention? Why can't we be satisfied in our own skin? We are so flippin needy!
This has been a constant battle in my life. I have known that I should be able to only need Jesus because He is able to provide us with everything we need. However…. I couldn't feel Him, hear Him or touch Him. You can't exactly snuggle with Jesus can you? And I love to snuggle because snuggling makes you feel wanted. It makes sense now why every girl loves the song "Wanted" by Hunter Hayes…
I have dated a guy off and on for about six years now. We recently broke up for several reasons but mostly because of the fact that I am leaving the country for a year. Because I so crave male attention, he wasn't able to risk being completely committed while I was gone because I would most likely seek attention and love from some other guy I would meet on the trip. I can't blame him for this because my actions in the past all point in that direction.
This all made me so frustrated with myself. I wanted and want to be satisfied in Christ's love.
So, I go to training camp and the main message is about being able to hear God's voice. I really really really wanted to be able to do that. I saw Ron Walborn get random messages from God and He told us crazy stories about healing that happened through His willingness to listen and obey. I was so jealous! My thinking was, "God, I want you to talk to me, so talk! How come all these other people hear from you and I can't?"
So after one of the sessions we had, we were all standing there worshipping and praying. I was already crying because of frustration and the desire to hear God and be satisfied in Him. Stephanie (an incredible woman who decided to listen to what God wanted her to do) came over to me and just put her hand on me. She didn't speak for a while but when she did the words given to hear by my Jesus rocked my soul.
In that moment, Jesus told me He was so proud of me. He told me that He was just as excited as I was to spend time together this next year. (On a side note… I was placed on an all girls team – I think this was God's way of making sure there were no intruders on our year long date!)
The last thing Stephanie did left me with no doubt that God was talking to me and that the conversation we were having was intimate and real. My whole life I have loved when someone would kiss me on the forehead. I told my ex that all the time… it was a single act that would make me feel cherished and I would know that I was his. Stephanie didn't know this obviously but she said, "I know this is weird but I feel like I want to kiss you on the forehead." So she did… and in that moment I felt Jesus' love more strongly than I ever have in my life.
Jesus knows me. He pursues me. He loves me.
Our lives are a story about the most passionate romance that ever existed. Each story is personal and unique and I must admit, I'm kinda obsessed with mine so far 🙂
