God is opening my eyes to the deep insecurities that have been plaguing my life for years now. He is beginning to show me how they’ve been holding me back in my friendships and relationships. It’s funny how I pray for healing and for growth, but then become discouraged when everything seems to fall apart, as if to think that God is doing just the opposite of what I’ve asked him to do. In reality, when the hard times come, and the storms of life rise up, I believe that is how God answers my prayer for growth and healing. It’s so easy to just sweep emotions under the rug, and not deal with them, and I would even go as far to say that it’s become a cultural thing for many Americans. The downside to doing that, even though it may bring a temporary peace, is eventually that “rug” won’t be able to hold all of that emotion that you’re so desperately running from, and it will rip. Being a team leader has revealed many insecurities I have. Some of them run deep, and some are more fresh. But these negative tendencies are deadly when it comes to my spiritual walk. They have lead to bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness, loss of joy, and loss of love. I’m realizing that I have swept many many emotions under the rug, and I’m currently left with what seems to be a plethora of undealt-with emotion all at once. Jealousy has become another effect of all of this insecurity. For years I’ve dealt with the jealousy of wanting to be part of the group, to join and become an integral part of a group of friends. However, I’ve always felt unworthy, like I don’t have what it takes to join in or contribute, so I remain on the outskirts, doing the bare minimum to not be totally cast out of the group, but never enough to truly join the group. I remain in this sort of limbo region, and I’ve been there for quite some time. I’ve grown very accustomed to pushing people away if I sense them being distant, to avoid the further hurt. God created emotions, and they are not inherently bad. But, if we aren’t responsible in dealing with them through healthy means, they become this spiritual cancer, slowly rotting away at the soul.
One of my prayers going in to this month of ministry in Cambodia is that God would “rock the boat” however much is needed to bring about healing. He has been answering that prayer.
