Usually there is a very thin line between needs and wants. Sometimes so thin that you can’t even see the line anymore and then you’re left with a jumbled mess of “weeds,” if you will. Then you’re stuck trying to decipher between the two.
I’ve been trying to unscramble my needs and wants for the past….I don’t know…twenty two years now. But more specifically for the past 24 hours trying to decide what it is I need and what it is I am just wanting.
The reason I wrote the first part of this blog series was because I just needed to write out and process my thoughts. But the more I think about it the more confused I become. People keep saying “you’ll do the right thing.” But what the heck is the “right” thing? Is it what I NEED or is it what I WANT? And can those be one in the same? It started out as a question as to whether to stay or to go…but the thing is I’m not ready to be home. At all. But I’m not sure if I’m willing to continue on the race either. So what now? Well let’s start with the needs and wants first.
Since I am still in the unscrambling phase of the two things I just have a jumbled mess of “weeds” right now.
I want/need my 40 days in the desert. I want/need my journey alone. I want/need a journey a way from everything and everyone telling me what I should or shouldn’t do. You’re probably thinking “hey isn’t that what she’s doing right now.” Yes, and no. Yes I am on a journey, but it’s almost a controlled journey. The people I’m around are controlled. The things I see are controlled. The places I go are controlled. All of these things are great things in and of themselves, I’m just not sure if that’s what I need or want anymore. I told a good friend this and her response was “okay, where can you go to make that happen?” And the only place that came to mind was the moon. Is it even realistic what I want/need? I want/need to stay. I want/need to finish what I committed to in the first place. I have an obligation to my supporters and to AIM to stay. I want/need to see the world; experience different cultures; experience God away from traditional Christianity. Or maybe I have no idea what I need or want.
So what is the “right” thing to do in this situation?
Well, here we are, and once again I leave you with an unanswered question and the same prayer.
God I need You. I need a sign, a miracle, something to tell me that what i’m doing is right. That this right where you have me for a reason and it’s not pointless…but also give me the eyes to see and the ears to hear it and obedience to follow it, because honestly I don’t know what the hell i’m doing.
