Denial.
I've pretended for a long, long time that graduation isn't actually happening. I pretended up until my Love INC kids said goodbye last week that my internship wasn't over. I pretended my best friend wasn't leaving the youth ministry and moving to Texas until tonight…and I'll start pretending again until he actually gets in the car and drives off. No such thing as graduation. No such thing as buying a cap and gown. I bought it, took pictures in it, and stuffed it away in the back corner of my closet as if it didn't exist anymore. Nothing's real about any of this. I don't have to be at the Coliseum at 7:30 Saturday morning.
I'm not actually missing my best friend's wedding because I'll be in a foreign country. I'm not actually getting on a plane in September and leaving the country for a year. I'm not actually raising $15,000+ right now. I'm convincing myself constantly this is a dream and I'm waiting for someone to pinch me. I'm waiting to wake up to "reality" and God's calling me to wake up to the real reality of what's happening and getting ready to happen around me.
Anger.
This is the hardest one for me to admit.
I'm angry that my four years are over. I'm angry at people who didn't finish in four years and get to stay for a victory lap. I'm angry at people younger than me that still get to talk about "next year" together. I'm angry at people who aren't in college anymore but still get to participate in my college ministry. I'm angry that my best friends are all moving away so quickly. I'm angry at people who don't say anything to me when we're in the same room. I'm angry that they don't see the value in just a "hello" that I see now that I know I'm leaving. I'm angry about spending my money on petty things like bridesmaid dresses and coffee mugs and towels and tea kettles. I'm angry that I've agreed not to date anyone for the next year and a half while all of my friends are getting married.
I'm angry that I have to leave. I'm angry that I said yes to spending 11 months in foreign countries I hardly know anything about. I'm angry for all that I'm giving up.
Bargaining.
I learned I'm not good at this in the Domincan Republic, but I'm really good at this with God (or so I think)
I'll invest more intentionally if you let my friends stay in town longer.
I'll do whatever you want if you prompt more people to donate.
I'll be more joyful if you let me see more of the purpose in this.
I'll let go of this if you let me hold on to that.
I'll do this, you do that.
As if we can play a trade-off game with the God of the universe. It makes me sick to see how I play this game so often. I'm graduating, it's done. I'm going on the World Race, it's done. My friends are going off to places all over to further the Kingdom; that's done. There isn't a thing I can do to stop the will of God. I have no control.
depression
It's sucks, but it's a necessary step.
I was once told and believed otherwise, but there is nothing wrong or sinful about this one.
It's okay to not be okay. It's just not okay to stay there.
My heart breaks to say goodbye. The last week and a half has been a tear-fest for me. I'm sad, okay? Four years here has changed my life. Four years here has brought me to a place where I can go on the World Race. Is that worth celebrating? Absolutely. But I've also had to mourn the fact that I'm leaving it behind.
I feel a lot of emotions about the Race, and one of them truly is sadness. I'm leaving everything I've ever known to walk into places where I have no control and no experience. Which is funny, because four years ago, I did the exact same thing in coming to Alabama.
Acceptance.
I am called. I am equipped.
My Father goes before me and makes a way. He follows behind me and guards me.
I'm in the process of having to see myself without this community physically beside me. Some people have made it easy by fading out of my life slowly over the past year. Some people are making it harder by being more intentional than ever. My gratitude grows daily that these are the people who are sending me out.
I'm getting to a point of acceptance while revisiting and processing through each of these beautiful stages daily. I'm a feeler type, so it takes me a while to feel out all of the emotions packed into something as major as graduation and a year serving the Lord abroad all within a few months of each other. But no matter, it is process. He's at work.
He's reminding me daily of the picture of open hands that He started this whole process with and challenging me to keep my hands open. It means letting go and walking through these stages again and again, but it also means receiving His grace, love and strength hour by hour. Those open hands represent letting go and accepting all at the same time. It allows me to process every stage and release it back to my Abba. He has shown me that it is the only way to truly live.
He goes before me and He makes a way, and that is all I will ever need.
_____________________________________________________________________________
One of the ways God is making a way is through you. Yes, you.
Your prayers are being felt as I am making my way to a place of total acceptance that this is my "calling" for the next year and a half. Your encouraging words are affirming what I am sensing the Lord speaking to me. And your financial support is continually making a way for me to walk in obedience.
You (yes, you!) have helped me raise an unofficial $5000 so far. I say "unofficial" because the money from t-shirt sales and Threads of Hope haven't officially been added all together (since some of those proceeds are being used for personal expenses like gear and immunizations). To all of you who have donated, THANK YOU! I am so grateful that you are a part of my story and completely humbled by the support.
There's still $10,000 to raise and I am confident that the Lord knows where every penny of that is coming from. If you'd like to partner with me financially, you can click the "Support My Journey" link on the left side of the page to donate online. Or, to cut out the processing fee, you can mail a check with "MurphreeChelsey" in the memo line to
Adventures in Missions
PO Box 534470
Atlanta, GA 30353-4470
There are still some t-shirts and bracelets to be sold, so let me know if you are interested in one of these. If you're in Tuscaloosa, stay tuned for some more fundraising announcements.
Thank you again for your prayers, encouragement, affirmation, love and financial support. Love, love love!
_____________________________________________________________________________
