Like that is literally the only thing you can or want to do?
You can't pray,
you can't explain yourself,
all you can do is scream?
That is where i was.
Sometimes, im still there.
I had a miserably hard week.
Satan was attacking me and all i wanted to do was just let him.
I felt defeated every time i walked back into our house,
and every night i was exhausted.
I could never get enough sleep.
I was holding onto to every burden imaginable.
I was holding onto my family's burdens,
onto the burdens of this country,
onto the burdens of my squad,
burdens of people from different squads,
any burden you can imagine i was carrying it.
I was fighting every battle alone.
I was not letting God fight his battles, i was taking over.
Poorly, but i was still taking over.
We have a roof, and that roof saves every single one of us living in our house.
The roof is where we pray outloud, where we have alone time, where we prophesy,
and obviously where all this was going to go down.
My squad leader Erin was sitting on the roof when i got up there,
i let her do her thing and i sat down on the edge.
I needed to get this out,
but i had no words.
I kept grunting over and over.
UGHHHHHHH
UGHHHHH
UGH
JESUS
UGH.
I wanted to scream, but i Erin was up there and i was convinced she would think i was crazy.
so i cried, because thats the only other thing i could do.
I heard her sit down next to me and ask the obvious question.
"I just want to scream right now,
there is so much grim inside of my heart and all i want to do is scream at God."
"Then scream"
To hear her say that was pefect.
We screamed.
I screamed at the top of my lungs at God.
I screamed at him my frustration with being in this country.
I screamed at him about hating community.
I screamed at him about everything that i could think of.
Eventually i was done screaming at him and i started screaming TO him.
I screamed my prayers to him because i didnt just want to say them.
i needed him to hear me,
i needed all of haiti to freaking hear me.
I needed to just let go.
Every burden i had i needed to let go.
I needed to be okay with letting go
i needed my lungs to let go.
As i screamed i could feel God,
i could feel him lifting every inch of heaviness off me.
When i was finally done i could hear him speaking to me, finally.
"You are heard, beloved, you take my yoke because it is easy.
You don't have to fight the battles of Haiti, you just have to love.
These are my battles and you are mine as well, and i want to carry you through this."
Yes, Jesus.
Yes, Father,
Yes, Abba.
You can have me,
i dont want to fight anymore.
All i want to do is lay at your feet.
You fight my battles, all of them.
I love you.
Finance report.
I am about $1,650 of hitting my next deadline of 10.500, praise Jesus.
Im also about 6,600 away from being fully funded.
Please prayfully consider supporting me, i would so appreciate it!
