THAILAND | Bangkok
The last time I wrote about what I was learning, it was jumbled thoughts at best about giving up everything to God. After my debrief in Malaysia and several talks with my beloved team I felt like God was calling me to give up make-up for a month. Sounds a little silly, but to those that know me, realize that they probably can count on one hand the amount of times they have seen me without it on. Over the last 12 years of my life (since I have been wearing it) it has become a mask of sorts that I was able to put on. It shielded me from what the world really thought of me, and I knew that when I did put it on I was deemed as pretty by the world’s standards and I knew that no matter what happened to me whether broken heart or failed friendships that at least I had that. Without it, well I was too scared to think who I was without it. Upon this realization, I decided to fast from it for the entire month of Thailand, giving to God all fears and trepidation after all was washed from my face. I felt as if I was now free falling without a safety net. Nothing could hide me from the world and their thoughts of me. I felt bare. On top of this, we spent the entire month with the whole squad. Now if I had listened to God when He first started asking me to do this, I could have done the month in Malaysia when it was just girls…but I didn’t, but God knew that I wouldn’t and had I think bigger plans in mind. It was no coincidence that we would be doing the bar ministry the same month that I didn’t wear make-up. It was such a huge realization, when I saw these girls with little to no clothing completely caked in makeup. They were hiding, just as much as I was and the more I was able to love on them for who they truly are, the more I was able to love myself for who I was, bare face and all.
I think the process of realizing who I am apart from the world’s idea of who I am has been hard, and definately a process, but I think that God is definately working on it. The more I opened my hand grasping onto the image of me with makeup the more I realized that I had alot more things to let go of.
Often times we talk here about God’s love/presence being like the ocean and we need to go deeper. In the world, if you go deeper in water, you begin to drown, so flailing our arms and legs about we begin to scream for help. Gasping for breath and trying to hold onto our fleshly life and all God wants us to do is to give up and give it all to Him. Once we drown, we will be completely saturated in God’s presence. Every inch of our bodies will be covered with His love, peace, and joy. We will no longer have control, but all control will be given to Him, so that our bodies will sway to and fro by the turning of the sea. I find myself fighting for breath, reaching for a life that I know, and not wanting to give up. But, God is working in me, and there will be a point when I realize that the world I am fighting for doesn’t compare to the world that God has for me. So until then, God is slowly opening my grasp that I have on various areas of my life and taking me for Himself.
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