The painful thing about insecurities is that they can lay dormant inside of us for so long that we forget they’re there. We believe we’ve conquered them by avoidance. But then something happens, and they resurface. And suddenly, that little box we locked up and dropped to the bottom of the ocean has washed up on shore.
A couple of weeks ago, this very thing happened to me. I had a conversation that unlocked some insecurities that I had tucked away in the darker, more muddled parts of my being. It made me question one of my fundamental character qualities, and it shook the confidence I had in myself and who I am in Christ. I felt ashamed and dirty, and I was overwhelmingly frustrated that it managed to find its way back into the forefront of my thoughts.
Each day since that day, I went to sleep and woke up with a knot in the pit of my stomach and the whisper in the back of my mind that I am tainted. I moved through the day with a façade- making jokes, painting a smile on my face and laughing at all the right times, while all I desired was to escape the filth inside me. I wanted to shove those insecurities back in the box and toss it in the ocean. I felt raw and vulnerable and betrayed. Because I didn’t choose to unlock the door. I didn’t choose to startle the sleeping dragon. Yet it still was awakened…
But last week, during my third Bible study of the day, something clicked. And while it is so incredibly simple, it is so overwhelmingly important.
I am not a slave to the broken, weak, sinful parts of me. Paul proclaims to the Romans, “We know that our old self was crucified with [Christ] so that the body of sin might be rendered powerless” (Romans 6:6). He goes on to say that “sin shall not be your master” (Romans 6:14).
This past month, I have been reading the book Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist. Her writing is raw and reveals so much beauty and truth about life. In it she writes, “The good stuff never comes when things are easy. It comes when things are all heavily weighted down like moving trucks. It comes just when you think it never will, like a shimmering Las Vegas rising up out of the dry desert, sparkling and humming with energy, a blessing that rose up out of a bone-dry, dusty curse.”
Something that felt like a curse, actually allowed me to open a box that held weak, insecure parts of me. And in the process of facing those insecurities and bringing them into the light, healing began to take place. I began to see blessings rise up from curses that took root in my life since I was a child. And although I just began the process of healing and freedom from one insecurity, I discovered complete healing and freedom in another.
When we push down insecurities, we aren’t healed from them. The wounds might scab over so they don’t hurt anymore, and we might forget about them for a while. But all it takes is a scrape to reopen a wound. And when a wound is reopened, we have a few options.
1) We can let those broken pieces consume us, take over our thoughts and define us. We can get lost in our muck and plead for God to take the thorns from us. And in the process injure ourselves even more.
2) We can try our best to shove it all back down and forget. Put a band-aid over it and pray that it scabs over again.
3) Or we can let our wound lay open and vulnerable to the air. We can confront our brokenness and declare victory, because there already is a Victor.
Instead of further opening the wound, or bandaging the wound, I decided to declare victory. I am taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). Sin is rendered powerless in my life. The devil does not have a foothold in my heart. Sin is not my master.
When I worked at a summer camp, we would pray with our fingers interlocked. And at the beginning of each week, we would explain that our fingers represent our strengths, and the spaces between our fingers represent our weaknesses. When we pray with interlocked fingers, our strengths cover each others’ weaknesses. I believe that illustration is such a beautiful example of how grace works. Thorns in our flesh remind us that Christ’s power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. For Christ’s sake, I will delight in weaknesses, in hardships, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Corinthians 12:7-10).
Lezhe, Albania – Don't let a little trash keep you from enjoying His glory
(I know it's super cheesy, I just couldn't resist).
