Sometimes life comes full circle. Sometimes God brings you back to a part of your past to see how far you've come. When I heard that I would be working in a drop-in center for the last part of my race, my heart soared and dropped simultaneously.
I have some great memories working at the drop-in center in Denver. I also remember some dark times, dealing with feeling inadequate, low self-esteem, and feeling the "in-between" of boyhood and manhood. It carried over to pre-Race. I desired to be "on my own" but could not find a stable job. I often said to God: "You there? Do you see this? How will I ever be a man if I can't work myself into it?"
Living in community really makes you see that you can't/shouldn't fake it. Don't fake your issues. Don't act like they aren't there…
Seth Barnes says in his book "Kingdom Journeys" that in order to find where you are called you must: 1. Leave the familiar. 2. Acknowledge your brokenness. 3. Ask God for help.
I had done steps one and two pretty well. I know what it's like to work with the poor and be away from the "familiar". But step three did not come so easy. I would pray to God for strength, but something was missing… DEPENDENCE.
I would rather operate with God's HELP rather than His strength. I found myself working my soul into a frenzy, running on spiritual fumes, and wondering why this Race was so hard. This culminated the other night when a group of teammates and I went to PenHOP (Penang House of Prayer). I remember going to pray, but as I entered, I felt like God and I had been working together. We had been getting to know each other, God had been counseling me through my issues, and I had been so grateful. But in the end, I would thank Him, tell Him I'd call Him later, and go on my merry way until the next pang of spiritual hunger would arise.
I prayed. "Father… It's been awhile since you and I just hung out… I'm listening…"
Tears began to stream down my face. I felt so broken. Out of gas… So weak. So out of adrenaline that all I could do was crawl into God's lap, and be baptised by tears running down on my face. I had never felt God more than in that moment.
Minutes later, a Malaysian woman began to pray for me. She asked me why I was crying, told me that God sees me as a son, and that He was here. She said, "Chase, God is with you always. Lean on Him." She then began to pray in Malay which then spilled over into tongues.
After we both could pray no more, Hugh, my fellow teammate handed me a prophecy, "Chase, God wants you to know that you did it. There's nothing standing in the way of you and God. He's so proud of you."
As I walked away, I remember feeling like I had crossed a bridge. The one that you can't cross unless are a man, and yet, still a child of God.
I also asked my group, "Hey… did any of you tell that lady my name?" They all shook their heads.
Maybe someone did… or maybe God told her my name… to show me that God was proud of His son, a full grown man and His child.
