Not my will but yours

“Not as I
will but as you will [Lord]” Matthew 26:39

Friday
morning I woke up, not motivated to go do any ministry. I was tired, exhausted
from the week. I walked down the stairs to get breakfast, and was asked if I
wanted to go walk through the squatter villages to work on the Census we are
doing in the community. Everything inside of me did not want to do it, I
responded with frustration and annoyance. I sat there for a few minutes trying
to get some energy. I began saying to myself “It is not about me, I will serve
with all I have, and this is the Lords day”. Minutes after I was filled with
energy I cannot explain, but the Lords strength. Funny that day I connected
with our translator more than I ever had and got to listen as she spoke. I got to
serve where others could not that day. I had a reality check with my attitude,
which made me able to serve the kingdom more effectively. Remembering it is not
my will but the Lord’s will. I felt absolutely blessed that day and just smiled
back at God saying, “You’re a good God, thank you”.

So
the next day came about. It was our team’s day off. I was excited. I planned on
going to the coffee shop to Skype, write e-mails, and catch up with myself; but
I was then asked to go help another group with their ministry. Again I did not
want to. I rolled my eyes and said, “If I have to, I will”. I know my attitude
was not the best and did not reflect Jesus. It was not till the late afternoon
when we had to go, so I went to the coffee shop. Robby, my team leader, came by
and asked if I wanted to go on a joy ride on the dirt bike. I jumped out of my
seat and left the coffee shop. After an hour of that I had to go do ministry. At
that point all I had done was not what I planned, but everything I needed (I
mean I have not been on a bike for over two years now and the Lord knows how
much joy I get from that). Sitting waiting to leave for ministry I was still trying
to convince myself to go. I was thinking of every excuse in the book, but knew
I had to go. I dragged myself out of the chair and into the car. I started to
ask God if I had a right not to serve when and where he wanted me to, just
because I thought I deserved a day off. He reminded me about the Sabbath day
and the conversation he had with his disciples about healing on the Sabbath
(Matthew 12:1-13). “It is lawful to do good on the Sabbath”

We
got to the village and if you remember my last blog, I talked about a blind
girl who was abandoned and forgotten. Well, she was placed in my lap and I was
told to talk to her. I smiled at God and said, “You are a funny God. You knew
she was on my heart”. Her name is Nica. She does not know English and I do not
know their language-Tagalog, except a few words and one of those words is beautiful.
So I did what I knew to do, told her over and over she was beautiful as I
rocked her in my arms. She began holding me tighter and tighter, stronger and stronger
where I knew she understood. I sang to her and just felt her come to a deeper understanding
of the love and hope in Jesus. I held back the tears and said “Not my will, but
your will Lord”. God used me that day for Nica. A few minutes later I was asked
to go entertain some kids. God knew I did not have the energy to do that (this
is where God continually reminds me of His strength). I walked over to the area
where we needed to be. I stood there with one kid around my waist, one
clutching onto my leg, and another holding my hand. I stood there saying, “God you
knew I needed this”. I sat down and had three more girls join- I was basically
covered with children telling them they were beautiful and sang with them.  They told me I was beautiful and all I could
do was hold back the tears, again. That day God knew I needed to do all the
things he had planned, but how I pictured that day was not at all how it turned
out to be.  I was able to love where
others have not, and let Jesus shine. God used me and corrected my attitude. He
also used those children to remind me of things I forget sometimes and let His
love shine through the kids. God showed me His love and affection.

These last
few days I have been blown away by God.  Forcefully getting myself out
of bed and God saying,
 “I want to use you and I chose to use
you”.

Side note:
Please be praying, this is our last week of ministry, fill with tons of work to
do and goodbyes. Then we leave on March 27 for month four to Malaysia- yes a
re-route. Malaysia here we come!! Then hit Thailand for month five.

* this picture is of  GLO girls ( minus Liz she was sick) and our translator, Marilaou and Rita. We had a girls night and went out for dinner!