I spent a good portion of the day yesterday (our eastern European Easter day – thank you Orthodox calendar) journaling and thinking…wanting to feel inspired with a blog topic so that I could let everyone at home know something I’m learning, something I’ve seen God do, etc. I’ve wanted to write something about the arthritis because I have not mentioned it lately even though it is still a daily part of my Race…a daily part of me. And now, here I am at 1:30 in the morning, having woken up, unable to go back to sleep…finally feeling compelled to write…
I think I’m going to make it. I’m finally at that point where I have experienced varying degrees of arthritis flare-ups and have seen them come and go with rest and time and I can say fairly confidently that I will be able to finish the Race…I’m going to make it the whole 11 months and I’m so thankful. But, everyday I’m acutely aware of the arthritis…nights like this one I wake up in the middle of the night very aware. My wrists and fingers are swollen and achy. I rest in the assurance that tomorrow morning, once I’m moving again, that the swelling will go back down to “normal” (my new World Race – no Enbrel medication normal) and that it will be okay. Try wrapping the fingers of your right hand around your left pointer finger and then squeeze. To give you an idea, right now I can’t squeeze. My fingers are swollen and weak. When I sit up in bed, I can’t just put my hands down next to me and move myself. It hurts…not only that…they literally can’t…they don’t have the strength to hold my body weight. My wrists are too weak. I don’t say this to complain, but to make a point…to help others understand, and to give myself a way to remember.
I woke up just now acutely aware of my weakness…of my need for God…aware that things are not right with the world…and in this moment specifically, not even right with my body. I’m aware of my need to be not just spiritually restored but also physically restored when Christ comes again to make all things new. It is moments like this where I’m so aware that I am broken. That I have limits…that I’m dependent on the One who made me. That I can’t guarantee anything for myself, but rather that all I can do is go about each day, grateful for the gifts and abilities and life I’m given in humble dependence on the Lord who is my portion and strength. The arthritis is a thorn in my flesh…it keeps me humble…it reminds me that God’s grace…his unmerited favor…is sufficient for me…and not just sufficient, but more than I “deserve”…maybe when I ask for God to take away the thorn in my flesh I’m doing it out of a heart that forgets that he has already given me unmerited favor…maybe I forget that while I’m praying for physical relief, he is standing at the door freely offering salvation and rest for my soul…something I need even more…something he says is sufficient for me. He is God. I am not.
