These words are and will be pulling back the layers that cover my inward parts. In short, I am laying this bare before you because I believe that this is a subject that needs to be discussed- and not just between ourselves but between each heart and it’s Maker. He is the One who knew us when we were yet nothing. He is the One who knows every hair on our heads. He knows every detail of our lives, and thus even the matters that we deem as “too small” to discuss with Him, He beckons us to talk with Him about it all. Literally. Every detail of our lives appeals to Him.
The title says it all, so lets dive right on in.
I had just turned 16 when Holy Spirit impressed these words upon my heart, “Break up with him, and turn to me.” At this time I was deep in depression, and only seeing through lenses of shame and self-hatred. I grew up in the church, but because of certain circumstances in my life I believed that God only created me to see me hurt and to be in agony. I had this ludicrous picture of Jesus holding a voodoo doll of me in His hands as He pressed needles into my eyes and heart. Because I believed this false thing about God, I did not understand His heart for me.
This was my “worldview,” so to speak, and because of this I turned to men and the affection that they would show me. A few months before Holy Spirit spoke the phrase from the previous paragraph to me, my youth leader told me, “You will not be happy until you turn to Jesus.” I rebelled against this and cursed God in my heart. I spit into His face and told Him that He was the very cause of my pain. But in reality, it was a skewed view of His character that caused so much agony.
When I decided to act upon the pursual of the Lord in my life, the phrase, “Break up with him, and turn to me,” was the first invitation to say, “yes,” to His beautiful leadership in my life. In short, I broke up with my boyfriend and turned to Jesus. This wasn’t as life changing in the moment as it sounds, but it was a beginning.
I agreed with my youth leader to not seek out any romantic relationships after this decision/break up for six months. The months following my sixteenth birthday were full of significant moments where God was calling me to become a minister of His heart to others who, just like me, were sexually molested or abused and were now considering suicide, to share the knowledge of Who He is and what He is like. These six months of singleness led to four and a half years of focused consecration unto Jesus.
To be consecrated to something means that you are setting yourself aside from something, and unto something. During these four years my sweet Jesus took me through a lot of inner healing and revelation of His character and heart for me.
So, here we are, finally getting to the point. When I was applying for the World Race, I was asked to commit to refrain from starting any romantic relationships from the time I pay my down payment on the Race to the day after I become state side from the Race. That’s from August 2015- August 2017. I replied with a “heck yeah!” because I wasn’t currently in a relationship, and there was nothing on the horizon for me, romantically speaking. I thought that this would be an easy commitment to keep, and so far I have kept it, but in my heart I have not.
Let me explain. This past year I have had three failed attempts at relationships.
How does this apply to now? Failure is something that shoves me into the ground, and I over analyze it to the point that it physically makes my stomach hurt. This is a sin, and I repent before ya’ll on the World Wide Web. #layingitbareyo
I will change the three names for privacy sake to David, John, and Peter.
I haven’t given up the guy thing to the Lord; I still long for guys that were barely in my life. David pursued me and we were actually together for a while. But throughout my life, I have had this tendency to lock up around guys that I really like. I am an internal processor, and it takes me weeks to finally figure out what’s going on on the inside. Because I didn’t have the correct words about this at the time, he ended things between us.
Four months later I met John. For the first time in my life, words came so easily. I fell hard, and let me tell you, it was some hard concrete of reality that I fell on. He didn’t like me back. (Let me tell you about unriquetted love.) A week after this I met Peter. Through some mutual friends I found out that he was interested in me. At this point I was like, “Finally a good God fearing man is interested in me.” I acted upon this, but I was moving from a place of a girl who wanted any guy and not a particular one. I was hurting tremendously, and was so blinded by this that I ended up severing a friendship with one of my friends who was also interested in Peter.
I have looked back on these relationships from time to time and I am disappointed in my own incapability of doing it right. I think thoughts like: “If I did it right with David, then we might be engaged.” “If I did it right with John, then we would still be friends.” “If I had done it right with Peter, then maybe things wouldn’t be weird between us.”
Here is the point of all of this: in giving up the guy in the future, I must give up the guys from the past. We are not the bearers of our past failures. We have been saved, are being saved, and will be saved. In the process of sanctification, we are being washed daily, we are becoming more and more like Him daily, we are saying yes daily, to Holy Spirit.
In laying down the guy thing for the next two years, I also lay it down from this past year. I lay it down at the feet of Jesus, and I am saying, “Yes,” to Him and His perfect leadership. Holy Spirit, come and heal my heart. Give me deeper faith in You, God, as the One who guides me perfectly in the midst of all relationships. Help me Lord.
I lay it down, and with the same breath that I say, “Yes,” to your leadership in my life concerning world missions, I say, “Yes,” to laying down, “the guy,” subject.
I lay down my failures as you pick them up and call me, “Successful,” because my heart is saying yes to you. My measure of success is measured in Your eyes of fire.
I not only give it up for the next two years, but also help me Lord, to give it up from the past. I release my iron grip on my failures, and my self-evaluation and I agree with you. I am successful because I say, “Yes,” to you.
This applies to both genders in giving up romantic relationships from the past to the present. This applies to both racers and non-racers. Keep the conversation open with Holy Spirit. He is the healer.
No subject is to taboo for Him.
