Dear ou(R) squad,
When I originally set out to write this I thought it would be more of a rant. A rant about being fed up with all the drama surrounding the squad. About being pissed off at everyone who’s left and their reason(s) for leaving. Whether their reasons were “justified” in my sight or not. And while doing that I couldn’t help but think back to that night at Training Camp at the bonfire. How in that one night, we essentially went from weird friends to family. How did we get from that to this? What was so special about that night? Then it hit me.
In this type of community it is so vital to be real with each other. That’s something I told my first team often, yet didn’t walk out. Shame on me. After all, what’s the point of coming on the World Race if you’re not open to letting this journey change you for the better in Christ. Being vulnerable with each other is that first step to that deeper level we want with our teams, this squad and more importantly, our relationship with Christ. So ya, I could easily sit here, be mad and condemn the people who’ve left, or I can take an honest look at my own life and the sin in me.
If I were to be vulnerable with you all this is what I would say. I’ve lied to you. I’ve made myself out to be better than I am. Heck, I’ve lied to myself so much that I almost believe what I’ve said for so long. You all know my past struggles with porn. Well…I led you all to believe that that issue was something I’d overcome long ago and never really struggled with anymore. That’s my lie. Porn was still very much an addiction prior to the WR. Since I’m being honest, one of the main reasons the WR appealed to me was that I thought it would be a way for me to finally overcome that struggle. Speaking of which, I have looked at porn on the WR. Many times. When I did, I would rationalize my sin saying it wouldn’t happen again and tried to convince myself it wasn’t an addiction anymore cause it was only a “once a week thing” as opposed to everyday. After all if you have a soda once a week, would you consider yourself an addict? Yet another example of my rationalization.
So there ya have it. My secret is out. I have nothing left to hide. I’ve laid myself bare before you and the Lord. I’m sorry that I misled you all in order for me to feel better about myself. I’m sorry that I “preached” the importance of being pure and yet knowingly didn’t live it out. I suppose now you can think and say what you want, but in the end it doesn’t matter. I’ve repented. I’ve confessed. I’m free! And believe it or not there is some good news I would like to share too on this subject. I have not looked at porn in over 45 days, making it the longest period I have gone without in quite some time. And unlike before when each day became more difficult to not look, I now feel stronger each day. And as that number continues to grow upward, so will my will power and praise to God for delivering me now and forever.
What do I hope to accomplish from this? It is my hope and prayer that the rest of ou(R) squad will do the same and become vulnerable with each other again like that night at training camp. That we will tear down these walls of distrust we have built up and be the true community we keep hearing about. Take a look inside and be honest with yourself. If there’s something in your life that is holding you back from all that God has in store for you let.it.go. Step out in faith and confide in friend or teammate. Seek change and freedom because I can assure you that nothing is worth getting in between you and the best possible relationship with Christ you can have. I love you ou(R) squad and I want better for us.
Your friend & brother in Christ,
Chandler
