"I've been a Christian since Oct 5th 1998, 5:53 p.m. That's when I accepted Christ and His free gift of salvation. I do believe I was saved then, however I did not understand how to live each day for Him, or how to make Him #1 in my life all the time. Keep in mind I was in the 4th grade in 1998 so most spiritual things, like God's love for me, were hard to comprehend. I suppose in way they still are and will always be.
When I think back to High School that's around the first time I actually knew what it meant to be a follower of Christ and the sacrifices of the flesh it would take. At that time I was not willing to make those sacrifices. So…popularity was probably my biggest idol at that point. I wanted to be liked so I went to parties, drank and fooled around with girls, all to gain the approval of my 'friends.' Even though I did those things I made lines I would never cross, like having sex. I promised myself I wouldn't. But because I was/still can be an idiot, I had many opportunities to cross the lines and break the promises I made to myself, but every time I even thought about trying to there was this force or voice in my head and heart that just said NO! I have now come to the realization that that voice was indeed the Lord telling me He was only going to let me stray so far from Him but not that far. As graduation and college were getting closer and closer, I was starting to sense that some big changes needed to take place in order for me to become the husband, father and man I wanted to become one day. I decided college was where I could have a fresh start with God and thats what I did.
So I knew I needed to make some changes and college was the perfect place to get serious with my relationship with Christ. At DC3 (Dodge City Community College) I got on the right track. I quit going to parties and drinking. I found a church (FSBC) I liked and me and a few other guys went most Sundays. I stopped fooling around and even dating altogether. I told myself I was in no position to date until 1. I could respect women by not having and kind of physical relationship thus a Christ centered one, and 2. Till I was serious about marriage. So as you can see, I was really getting rid of a lot of sin in my life…or at least I was on the outside. Looking back, getting rid of the 'outside' sin or the sin everyone could see was much easier for me personally and took a fraction of the time its taken me to finally shake my inside sin.
Speaking of which…this is even tough to tell myself. Porn was ruling my life for years. I was introduced to porn the summer before High School. However it wasn't a problem then because I knew it was wrong. Even if I wanted to I had no access to it which I now count as a major blessing. College was a different story. Since I was no longer going to parties or messing with girls my popularity went down and my loneliness when up. Porn was so easy and there…in my dorm room. Then as I'm sure it happens to most people in my shoes, I was soon in over my head and I got to the point where I couldn't stop if I wanted to. I was an addict! I promised God I'd stop so many times, only to fail Him causing me to push Him away from shame and stopping any chance for spiritual growth. I was at this point for most my time at Dodge. Finally I knew I HAD to tell someone if I were to overcome my addiction. I kept coming up with excuses not to say anything…but I did. I sat down with both my youth pastor and pastor and told them everything. I thought they would hate me and never allow me to come back to church. Quite the opposite actually! They cried with me, prayed over me and that night I learned about accountability and how vital it is to the faith and walk of Christians. Those next few days never had I felt sooo free!
After I told Chad and Greg I wish I could say I haven't had any issues since, but I'd be lying to myself. Porn and lust (cause where one is the other isn't far) have been a constant temptation. I have to constantly remind myself of the cost and that temporary pleasures have nothing on the eternal life and joy that comes with following Jesus!"
-Journal entry Tuesday, Jan 26th 2010.
What you have just read is from my journal almost 3 years ago. We all have had or still have a "BIG" sin in our lives. Mine was porn and it controlled me for years. I don't know what you are going through if you are reading this, maybe its porn too I don't know. What do I know is this. There is hope! You can be free from whatever it is that has got ahold of you. All you have to do is open your heart up to Christ and let Him lead.
Blessings,
Chan
