Well I have realized that it has been about two months since my last blog….I have no excuses but simply I don't know where to start or what to say. Malaysia was a good month for me and our host seemed more like family than any other host and it was a blessing from God. But by the end of Malaysia something was stirring in me that I tried to keep in the back of my mind.
I had just wrote my last blog about these nations and how lost they are. But as I was reflecting on all of this, a little white lie was planted in my head about the existence of God. I was so quick to jump at the thought that these people are lost, they are worshipping false idols and when all of a sudden I'm hit with the thought of, "What if I am wrong? What if I am crying out to a God that doesn't exist just like these nations? Is the only reason I'm a christian because I am from America and placed in the right state?" These questions started flooding my mind and eventually my heart, and they started taking affect on me. I could no longer try to put that thought in the back of my head and it began crowding my entire thought process.
So during our last debrief at the end of Malaysia I told my entire squad and wept in front of all fifty of them. I had allowed those thoughts to become too strong in my mind that I couldn't fight it alone any more. So my squad crowded around me and prayed over me, as well as a few others who were having the same struggle…..and after a month in Cambodia I'm sitting here in a completely new mindset.
It began right after my squad prayed over me. I instantly felt like a weight was lifted off of my entire body. I decided that in Cambodia I was going to fight against these thoughts and dig into greater depth with God in my personal time and fast more….and I did. But God put the right people in my life at the right time to remind me of just how real He is! I talked to one of my close friends from back home during debrief and she asked me a simple question, "what have you seen God do through the race so far?" I began thinking back on the months and thoughts started pouring in my head and out of my mouth I hadn't talked to this friend (Lauree Arms) since September so it was so refreshing to tell her of the times I saw God work!
Then during Cambodia a YWAM team came and lived with us to help with ministry and I got to tell one of the girls my testimony. After I finished she looked at me and said "I love hearing stories like yours because there is no way that someone like you could ever doubt that God existed because of what He took you out of and how He has restored you into who you are now" (WHAAATTT). She didn't even know I was doubting His existence and here she is telling me that my testimony is complete proof of God's existence. It was a hit in the face…in a good way! I was left with nothing to say because I knew that God had literally just spoken to me. I love how good God is, and how even in my doubts He continues to show up and show out. I love it….love it all!!!
