Obviously there is a lot going on here in Thailand with ministry…so that means that a lot is coming out in me that I didn't expect. Even as I was writing my first blog about our ministry things were coming out…pretty crazy. I mentioned earlier in my last blog about the families walking down with their children and how enraged I was at seeing the children's innocence being stolen. This was the hardest thing for me to see on bangla road, it still is the hardest thing for me to see. I am beginning to realize just how important our children are. Our children have the same power in them that we hold…the holy spirit. Jesus told us to have faith like a child…they can teach us a lot about faith and my heart is growing more and more for children. Therefore we need to raise them up! We need to stop overlooking them and start listening to them. We need to stop stealing their innocence!! But this wasn't the reason why this hit me so hard on bangla road. This is about my crap coming out…crap that I didn't realize or thought existed. Yay for Celeste's crap!
I can't remember my innocence. I can't remember a time I was protected by my parents. See it was never about me or my brothers, it was always about them and their wants. It was always about the drugs, alcohol, or sex. And I knew about sex, at a very young age I knew what sex was and so did my brothers. It wasn't something my parents did a good job at protecting me from or hearing about. It was actually everywhere. There could be a lot of things I could get into with this topic about my parents but those things don't need to be spoken and as much as they have hurt me, I respect them and love them so I won't go there. I will express the facts, just not memories. But sex was never a big issue…it was sex. No matter who it was with, it was simply satisfaction. I grew up with parents who slept around constantly and my mom is now on her fourth divorce and my dad on his third marriage. I have gone most of my life not thinking I was affected by their sleeping around and divorces but at the age of 23 on month 3 in Thailand it finally hit me. My innocence was stolen by my parents! I wasn't protected by the two people who were suppose to protect me! I'm seriously hurting right now. As I sit here writing this I can't believe it took me 23 years and walking down bangla road to realize that I'm hurting in this way. I am strong…I always have been the strong Celeste that held everything together, that everyone looked at and was so encouraged by because she held everything so well…but now in this moment I will say with confidence that I am weak. I am weak and I am crying…the one thing I hate to do in front of people…well whoever reads this I, Celeste Houston am crying. Crying from the inside out about my stolen innocence and lack of protection. Crying because my brothers have been through the same thing. This is why I haven't been able to trust that God is protecting me…because I was comparing him to my earthly parents. This is why I am so furious at the parents on bangla road…they are my parents…that child is me.
So what now? Where do I go from here…only up! Even though this hurts, and even though it sucks to know just how much my parents and their poor decisions have affected my life and I know that more is going to come out…seeing as it's only month 3. I know that God is good and now that I have seen I can mourn appropriately and heal from this. I love my parents…even though they have hurt me so much I love them. I forgive them and I miss them while being here on the race. They will always be my mom and dad and some people don't understand why I chose to forgive, love and allow them still in my life….the answer is Jesus Christ. I have been forgiven from far worse…and so have they. I will continue to fight for them, always fighting for them. This blog isn't just for me, it's for my brothers who have been hurt just as equally, it's for tears, pain, hurt, betrayal…love, forgiveness, healing, and freedom in Christ! Breaking free and it hurts…yet feels so good.
This is for my three handsome brothers…I have been set free and I pray the same for you. I let it all go! I lay it at the feet of Jesus who picks it up and carries it for me. I'm running into the arms of Christ. I love you and I miss you three so much. I love you three with all of my heart, soul, and most importantly pinky toes!!! (inside family lingo) There may be pain in the night…but Joy comes in the morning! Praying that you three be set free from all of the hurt. I rejoice over you my brothers. Rejoicing always.
