UGLY.
That’s the only word I can think to describe these last 8
months. This “process� of returning home
has been filled with ups and downs, days full of doubts, and many many
tears. I don’t even know where to start
or what to say exactly.
Self-pity. Rage. Regret.
Endless Frustration.
Those are just a few words that describe my process of
re-entering into “normal� life. Normal. Who knows what normal is anyways?
Immediate re-entry felt strangely normal. Like I was stepping back in time to the
moment that I left Huntsville, and the entire last 11 months of my life was
just a dream. Obviously it really
happened with such vivid memories and sleepless nights consumed with faces and
places that were so dear to my heart.
But everything at home was so normal like I had never left with just a
few minor differences here and there. I
was really really tired, physically, emotionally, spiritually. But I pushed that tiredness away because I
had things to do: a wedding to plan,
Christmas, returning to work, catching up with friends and family. There was no time for rest, no time for
processing, no time for thinking. If I
was not busy all the time I would start to think of things, people, places that
I just wasn’t ready to think about yet so I kept myself busy all the time. I actually felt guilty if I was not actively
doing something at every moment, except for sleeping which only came peacefully
a few times a month.
Slowly this “new normalness� I was experiencing began to
fade, and I had to start dealing with a huge array of emotions I was going
through. I returned to work (as a software
engineer) to feel the same restlessness and discomfort I had felt before I left
for the Race. I know I’m called to
something bigger, greater than sitting behind a computer all day every
day. I am called to human interaction,
helping, holding, loving. I immediately
began to look into other “options� for getting out of here. So many options, too many options. Every option I found I would pray through and
never felt any comfort in any of them. I
knew deep down that I was right where God had called me to be for this
season.
Instead of thanking God for creating a plan for my life and
making sure it happens even when I’m being a stubborn idiot, I became very
angry. I was really mad at God. How could He put me back in this place? This place where I have no influence and feel
so out of place? How could He have given
me a year like last year and then brought me back to this? I would sarcastically say things like “Thanks
a lot God� when I was having a bad day. I would even have thoughts of regret from going
on the Race. “If you hadn’t sent me on
the Race then none of this would be happening� became a favorite comment of
mine to God. I became super angry not only at God, but at
everyone around me. They were all
getting married, having babies, discovering new exciting mission opportunities,
finding dream jobs. All things that I
wanted! And I wanted them RIGHT
THEN! I doubted if God even loved or
cared anything about me and my future. I
became severely dysfunctional within my own life. Sure, I could smile and put on a pretty face
for all the outsiders, but inside I was dying from rage, regret, spite,
frustration. I saw no purpose for being
alive anymore. If this was all God had
in the cards for me, what was the point anyways? Severe depression set in. I refused help if anyone expressed concern
and shut out any kind of sermon or Godly advice someone had to offer me. It was the darkest, lowest, saddest point of
my entire life. I kind of began to
understand why people would commit suicide.
There is nothing worse than realizing that there is no point to your
existence.
Nothing big happened.
I didn’t wake up one day and realize that I was being crazy and God
really did love me and had a plan for my life.
It was like all these tiny, baby steps that sometimes I didn’t really
see happening that slowly began to pull me out.
I don’t remember or know even what they all exactly were, but I can
distinctly remember the first sermon I listened to since being home. I was sitting in church, stewing about life
as usual, when I happened to just hear pieces of my pastor’s sermon. The one verse I still remember from that day
was
“But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed,
but of those who believe and are saved.� Hebrews 10:39
Victory. There is no
defeat in Christ. I wasn’t instantly all
better, but it reminded me of a very basic thing that I had in fact preached about
in an aboriginal church in Australia just a year before. This reminder sparked a little more interest
in spending time with Jesus. I began
reading my Bible again and spent some time praying. I started listening to sermons in church again
and started teaching children’s Sunday School to force myself to stay in the Word. I wrote down scriptures, especially about controlling
anger, and brought them to work with me.
I have them right in front of my keyboard, so every time I look down
there they are staring me in the face.
Another step that ended up being a pretty significant
breakthrough for me was a friend of mine asked me to pray for my husband. I instantly responded with, “Isn’t that
selfish of me?�. That led into a
conversation with her about prayer. I
couldn’t understand how I could pray for something like that for myself when I’ve
seen so much pain, so much hurt, so much hopelessness. How could I waste my prayers on something
like that? I realized quickly that I had
completely stopped praying for myself. I
would pray all night long for other people, but never for myself. And even when I would try I would start to
feel guilty and have to stop. In response
to this, I started to research about prayer.
Through this research, God taught me A LOT. I realized that even though I thought I had
learned a lot on the Race because things were constantly changing and I was
being taught so much, that I hadn’t really applied anything I had been
taught. I had lots of ideas PRESENTED to
me, but not an opportunity to really APPLY them in real life. I basically started from scratch. Taking everything I had learned or thought I
had learned and figured out what I really believed about them. I rebuilt the very foundation of my faith and
began to work myself up.
I don’t know exactly when it happened, but one day I
realized that I was completely content exactly where I was. That I didn’t need a husband, baby, or
mission trip to make me happy or joyful.
That I had everything I needed right here. I can honestly say this is the first time in
my entire life that I have ever felt completely content with where God has put
me. I am confident that this time as a
software engineer is just a season in my life, and that other exciting
opportunities will arise when they’re supposed to. I realized that through my 25 years of life,
I have experienced more than most people will ever experience in their lifetime.
God does in fact love me and has this
incredibly unpredictable super exciting life plan for me, just look at it so
far! I am super excited to see what the
future holds, but I am also fervently looking for opportunities all around
me. God has placed me at work right now
for a reason, and I don’t want to miss that reason. He’s blessed me with an opportunity to
teach some pretty incredible 4th and 5th graders about
their identity and value in Christ. I
can in fact see His hand in every aspect of my life, how I got here and excited
to see where it will take me. So from
all this horrible ugliness, God has yet again brought BEAUTY like He often
likes to do. How can I help but fall on
my face every single morning before the Lord, praising Him for everything He’s
blessed me with? How can I help but feel complete contentment and patience as
God daily reveals His plan for my life?
How can I question His sovereignty when it’s exposed all around me? Everything about it, every tear, every smile,
every moment is so BEAUTIFUL.
