For the sake of honesty, my last blog (The Fight) is the first time in months where I’ve been able to write something with substance-
Something that accurately reflects where my heart is at.
Lately, almost every time I sit down to start writing about the thoughts swirling through my head (none of which are suicidal, I promise), the words dry up like ink in a pen that’s gone too long without being used.
Fighting for joy is exhausting.
Fighting for written words is a form of torture like I’ve never known.
In the past, they’ve always been there, always ready to help me say what I have so much trouble saying with my vocal cords.
To have it be the other way around is… well, disconcerting.
And to have it be the other way around for so long?
Well, I don’t really have any words to describe that.
Maybe these last two blogs are an indication that the dam is starting to break.
I don’t know that for sure.
What I do know is that it has only gotten harder in the last week, not easier.
Kind of like there’s a joy killer roaming around-
It read my blog about having to fight for joy, and decided to make the fight that much harder.
So tonight I’m tired, and I’m clinging to the one thing I have left to hold onto.
The source.
Jesus.
I’ll leave you with a song that came up on Pandora while I was at work today which really just encapsulates where I am right now.
Watch the video, or close your eyes and just listen.
P.S. – Thank you for continuing to read and pray for me. It helps so much more than you can comprehend.
