I am not perfect.
I am sure there are some people who would think that after nearly 10 months walking down this road, I should be nearly there –
That I have been refined to a point where I would look absolutely breathtaking on some pedestal that has been created for me.
Please let me knock the pedestal over and stand back in the crowd, because I do not belong up there.
I still make mistakes – and my teammates still call me out on them.
I still curse – far more now than I ever did before I left.
I still ignore what God tells me to do at times – and later regret doing that.
I still have this desire to be right as much as I possibly can – which, coupled with pride about being right, has caused me to stumble more in the last week and a half than I can remember in a long time.
I still wrestle with fear and doubt and the bigger questions about why God allows things to be the way they are in this world.
I would wonder at how I am used at all those days, except for the knowledge that my God is bigger than everything I do wrong.
And that His love for me conquers all my imperfections.
Oh, yeah, and that He ably redeems all my mistakes.
And that His love for me conquers all my imperfections.
Oh, yeah, and that He ably redeems all my mistakes.
Yes, I have been through a refining fire this year.
Many things that used to hold me captive have been broken off.
In the process of those things falling away, though, I have realized there is still much work to be done.
There are still many things left to peel off and burn off and cut away before God’s process of perfection is complete.
Many things that used to hold me captive have been broken off.
In the process of those things falling away, though, I have realized there is still much work to be done.
There are still many things left to peel off and burn off and cut away before God’s process of perfection is complete.
This year, amongst other things, has been the first time I have let extensive renovations take place in my heart.
It’s hurt.
I’ve screamed, I’ve cried, I’ve asked God why He does this.
His answer is the same.
I love you too much to leave you where you are.
Still, I could choose to walk away from it.
I could go home after this, sit on a couch and watch television for the rest of my life, and God’s love for me would not change.
Some days, I kind of do that already.
Most days, though (while I am here), I make the choice to open myself up to what He wants to do inside of me.
As comfortable as I like for things to be, the renovations so far have been good – they’ve brought light into dark places, filled in cracks and holes…
This discomfort now is molding me, bringing me closer to seeing myself as my Maker made me to be.
He is holding up His photo as a reminder of who that woman is.
I get to decide each day whether or not to look at it, and (once I do look) whether or not I want to be her.
This discomfort now is molding me, bringing me closer to seeing myself as my Maker made me to be.
He is holding up His photo as a reminder of who that woman is.
I get to decide each day whether or not to look at it, and (once I do look) whether or not I want to be her.
Like freedom, this process is something I have to decide to pursue over and over again.
And the price I pay for it is peanuts in comparison to the amount of work that will be done.
Only a fool, trapped in fear and doubt, would turn it down.
Does that make me the fool on the days when I pass it up?
Yes, but God loves fools too.
