She looks relatively content, right? Almost happy, even…
That wasn’t a complete and total lie.
She was just really good at keeping her own secrets, stuffing everything down so no one else on her team knew much (if anything) that was going on inside her head.
That girl turned into this girl.
Team Komboa (minus David) with Teodora at Surfer’s Paradise, Gold Coast, Australia
See how she holds herself away from the group?
How forced the smile on her face was?
She was miserable. Stressed out. Depressed.
Everything she had stuffed back down inside was coming up to the surface, and she was about to fall apart.
Earlier that day, we’d gone to Teodora’s son-in-law’s church (he’s a pastor), and led worship.
My attitude was… well, just horrible.
I’d been having pretty constant back pain for several days, and although I was sharing that with my team, I was not opening up about all the other things that were building up inside – little irritations I wasn’t sure were worth sharing.
The last thing I wanted to be doing was trying to share a microphone with David, who is a good eight inches taller than me, and singing worship songs.
I wanted to curl up in bed and cry everything out on my own, but I couldn’t.
I definitely didn’t want to be where I was.
Looking back, I do regret a lot of things about that day.
We went to Hillsong Brisbane that morning, and I didn’t enjoy it.
We went to the beach later that day (where the picture above was taken), and I definitely did NOT enjoy that.
I wish I’d been more joyful.
I wish I’d been more excited about being able to get up in front of a congregation and be part of the team leading worship.
And I wish I’d opened up and spoken out what was going on in my head before it nearly drove me off the deep end.
But I know my God is a God of redemption, and that if anyone is capable of redeeming something like that day in Brisbane, it’s my God.
And this month, God’s been singing a redemption song over me.
This month, instead of bar ministry in Phuket, God brought me to Chantaburi and made me part of the Again, For The First Time worship team.
Glenalyn, Kathryn, and I led worship at Chantaburi Methodist Church on Sunday mornings.
My hesitant volunteering to help became a vehicle for God to redeem that Sunday afternoon in Brisbane.
More than that, though, this month has been a month for God to rekindle desires I thought were dead.
Desires to sing in front of an audience.
Desires to write and act in dramas.
Glenalyn and I wrote the drama for “Love Is Here” in Australia while we were at Roger’s house, not knowing if or when it would ever be performed.
This month, it’s been performed twice.
And I’ve been singing in front of Thai audiences all month.
If that’s not a story of redemption, I don’t know what is.
