Well, that’s a wacky way of thinking!

I started out the Race in January, excited to embrace an all-girls team. After all, I had already worked through my issues with the reality of being surrounded by all women and was going to hit the ground running. (For a reminder of that revelation, see: http://cassiewilson.theworldrace.org/?filename=did-they-send-me-daughters-when-i-asked-for-sons-you-can-bet-before-were-through-mister-ill-make-a-man-out-of-you)

However, what I hadn’t worked out was my fear of being hurt if I invested too much. I had talked the talk to other teammates about how they could talk to me or the team because we could be trusted and blah blah blah. Don’t get me wrong, they were true statements; I will have my teammates’ backs at all times and I love them to death.

I was another story, though. I said aloud that I could trust them. I said aloud that I love them. But, where my heart believed, my head shut off that truth. Instead, I was filled with the lies. For once, my “logical” side tried to overpower my “feeler” side.

They will just hurt you like all your other “friends” from school. Where are they now? You invested so much time and energy into them and they act like you don’t even exist when you see them in public.

They already have connections with each other and you can’t infiltrate that. They are paired off and a group of three isn’t admirable when they all say that they work best in pairs.

I don’t know why I let the lies hold ground, sink in and permeate my every action and vocalization in regards to my team.

As far as I was concerned, I was being open and vulnerable.

I mean, I was, after all, able to tell my complete testimony on two separate occasions. That is something I have literally never done before.

I felt like I was investing a lot of my personal story into my team and telling them about my past.

My past…

My past is an open book.

I’ll tell you about my family and how much I love them; how my sisters and parents are some of my best friends; about my beautiful friend and her baby; about failed relationships; running away from God; hiding from myself; everything.

My future is an open book.

I’ll talk your ear off for days about my passion for Uganda; about my desire to, someday, build a school for children who wouldn’t be able to go to school otherwise; about Francis and what he means to me; about the children I want to have and the children I would love to adopt; everything.

But my present—– nah. Closed book. 

I really don’t want to talk about that.

Unless it’s all put together and figured out- like my past- or not really put together at all- like my dreams for the future- then I just want to avoid my current mess.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve fought with talking when I don’t see a point.

I mean, what’s the point of saying, “Yea, it was kind of a rough day because I stepped in a puddle of water, then I dumped my coffee on my new shirt, then I got blisters and then my friend sent me a Facebook message that just made everything worse about how I’m a bad friend now that I’m following Jesus more.”

(That was a completely made-up example, by the way. That is no way what I experienced or what my teammates have said in real life situations!)

As I talked with my amazing squad coach, Betsy, I verbally processed all kinds of things I hadn’t realized before.
I felt as though the only motive behind that kind of talk was for people to seek attention. You can tell me about how bad or good your day was or other random things like how you miss someone, but, really, what can I do about it?

I can’t learn a lesson from you. I can’t see an instance where God shows up. I can’t physically help or offer any kind of support. It just seems like you want attention.

And I have no need to spew out randomness in order to receive attention from others.

That was my thought process.

And I found that out at the same time that Betsy did as I word-vomited all over her in a beautiful outdoor café on a picturesque, gorgeous day on a Brasov, Romania street corner.

So, that’s where I’m at right now. I’m working, daily, on really opening up to the beautiful seven women who surround me every minute of the day because it’s not about attention-seeking, it’s about doing life with them and living hour by hour and day by day with them in my life.

Also, while Betsy was listening to me while I was talking about Uganda and the challenges I face with being in the moment when I want to be there sometimes, she quickly said,
“Now is the time to invest your heart”
and moved on to another subject.

For the rest of the day that resounded in my head. I couldn’t stop thinking about that one line.

A few hours later, I was walking around the downtown square here in Brasov, Romania with Workman and we went into a craft shop I was dying to go in all week, but even more since Betsy really questioned why I wasn’t embracing the artist side she knew I had. (My journal was boring, writing in the lines, color was the only exciting thing about it, in fact!)

When we walked into the shop, they had a DIY jewelry section. I was drawn to this clock pendant that I saw as soon as I walked in.

“Ok,” I said. “I get it: ‘Now is the time.’ Here’s the physical reminder that God is showing me. It’s like a dollar. Might as well get it.”

I picked out a cord for it and right there was a heart charm with the same finish as the clock. It’s like they were meant for each other.

So, now I have a physical, tangible reminder to invest my heart now.

I have a story to remind myself and tell others when they ask.

I hear the clanking of the two together on the cord and am reminded:
“Now is the time to invest your heart.”

I’m investing all I have into pursing the wonderful, Godly women whom God has placed in my path.

They won’t betray me. They won’t hurt me. They have my back.

I declare they are worth investing every ounce of my heart and life into.

Last night, we had a time as teams were being changed before we embark on the next month. For the first time during the Race, I realized how much these women really meant to me.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I thought about the possibility of not “doing life” with them 24 hours a day.

I have come to love these women more than I even knew and I longed for the time to be able to invest more into them.