I've been avoiding blogging about what I'm going through spiritually because I feel so weak. I feel as though I'm hanging on by a thread that's withering away minute by minute. I was encouraged by an email from a friend who is in a similar spot spiritually and so I thought I would step out in faith as she did. I pray that the Lord will be glorified through my words because I know I have nothing in me right now to give out.
Over the past months, the Lord has been showing me parts of my heart that normally I act as if they are nonexistent. I like to be oblivious sometimes, act as if nothing is wrong and everything is butterflies and rainbows. But as the days go by I can't help but allow my Father to open my eyes to the truth that is right in front of me.
MY HEART IS MESSED UP!
My heart longs for the pleasures of this world. Jeremiah had a revelation on this truth and wrote in chapter 17 verse 9
"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?"
Even though he had a revelation that the heart is the most deceitful thing in the entire world, and desperately wicked, at the end of the verse he says "who can know it?" Who can know it??? That means even though he knew it he still didn't fully comprehend how wicked hearts actually are.
I think this can be a hard truth for me to grasp because I have always struggled with not liking myself. When I got a revelation of the truth that I can love myself because God loves me, I started actually seeing the good in me, through the Lord of course. So to think about the bad makes me uneasy inside. It seems that this truth is harder to grasp when I hear a verse like the one in Jeremiah. I feel and see the wickedness coming out of my heart and I think I have to hide or run from the Lord because He couldn't possibly love me like this.
It's fairly "easy" to be holy when I FEEL holy. When I feel close to the Lord, in a season that I'm bearing fruit and leading others it's easy to let Him love me and love myself because everything FEELS right.
When I FEEL messed up, dirty or unholy, it's easy to act messed up, dirty or unholy. When I am struggling, being tempted or falling it's easy to close myself off and hide from God and others. I start seeing God as I saw Him before I really knew Him. I see Him as a harsh God who has this standard He wants me to uphold.
How can I let You love me when I am in the midst of all of this? I am struggling and fighting my flesh and falling and failing, how can You not be disappointed?
"Beloved…Before I formed you in the womb I knew you."
Jeremiah 1:5
Guess what? When God saved me, He knew every sin I had already committed and every sin I was going to commit for the rest of my life. My sin doesn't surprise Him!! I'm not saying that means I can treat sin like it's no big deal, but it does mean that I can push delete and not beat myself up over struggles and sins.
I can let Him love me in the midst of my struggles and in the midst of my shortcomings. Not only can I let Him in during those times but I am lovely to Him in those times. He doesn't love me IN SPITE of my struggles, He loves me IN THE MIDST of my struggles.
"I am very dark, but lovely."
Song of Solomon 1:5
Song of Solomon 1:5
The Lord spoke straight to my heart through the words of my dear friend. I could not say this in a more beautiful way and as I read it tears streamed down my face. God never ceases to amaze me…
"While the Lord does sometimes shine through our fratality, more
often than not His manifest presence isn't glaring in
weakness or temptation. We just feel weak and ashamed,
and as consequence pull away. Yet, isn't it said in scripture
that it is the hungry that find the Lord? In other words,
it is one weak and lacking that is said to find God?
Doesn't scripture proclaim God is near to the brokenhearted?
Meaning that it is hurt and trial that allow for His presence.
What if we have our paradigm of God all wrong?
What if weakness, temptation, trial, and lack are not reasons
to pull away from God…but evidences that He is near and working?
What if in the moments we are ready to give up, it is really
just the last and hardest leg of the battle?
What if in temptation and mistakes we saw it as an avenue
for God to work in and through our humanness, a way for Him
to be close to us-rather than a justification for running away and
becoming angry with God? You want to know why that lie is so
present in these moments…the lie to pull away when weak and in sin?
I sincerely believe it is because it is the exact opposite of the truth in that moment."
What if we have our paradigm of God all wrong?
What if weakness, temptation, trial, and lack are not reasons
to pull away from God…but evidences that He is near and working?
What if in the moments we are ready to give up, it is really
just the last and hardest leg of the battle?
What if in temptation and mistakes we saw it as an avenue
for God to work in and through our humanness, a way for Him
to be close to us-rather than a justification for running away and
becoming angry with God? You want to know why that lie is so
present in these moments…the lie to pull away when weak and in sin?
I sincerely believe it is because it is the exact opposite of the truth in that moment."
