Dorm rooms.
I hear from several people that you either love or hate your roommate. I mean it’s like constant community with someone who you’re barely getting to know.
Seriously, with August fast approaching schools know that it’s time for young students to begin or continue on their journey. So the stores are breaking out the new dorm gear.
Microwaves
Mini refrigerators
New comforter sets for your bed
Organizational drawers
2 for 1 toothbrushes — (lol just kidding, but I know some people at training camp who took this literal haha)
Girls plan out their dorm rooms with their Pinterest boards and future roomies and hashtag #LuvMyRoomie.
The whole room is poured into with preparation and excitement.
So…what if you came to your dorm room with all of your stuff. The boxes were downstairs in your car. Your class schedule was in hand and you’ve been talking to your roomie for the past 8 months. You’ve stalked your professors on Facebook and read all of the exciting alumni posts on Instagram.
100% ready.
But you get there to the door.
You have the key in the door knob…but it doesn’t fit. Turns out, you were never meant to live on campus. But you just got told.
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This short scenario is kind of like what I went through. In a much smaller scheme and one that definitely didn’t have crazy acts of God working through it.
It’s been one week since I returned home early from training camp.
I’m trying to press into God and see what He wants from me in this next season but it’s so hard. Like literally the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Hahah
For the past 8 months I have spent hours praying and preparing to go on the World Race: Gap Year. I have funneled hundreds and thousands of dollars into an account dreaming of the day that each dollar will be spent with my new “family”.
Then with what seemed like a matter of moments, but really it was a matter of weeks, the very thing that my life had revolved around was no longer there.
I suddenly was no longer a World Racer.
I suddenly was home in Texas with a part of my heart missing.
Suddenly my thoughts were now filled with thoughts of:
When did the “World Race” become so much of my identity?
Why did/do I feel like I am so invaluable because I’m not going overseas?
When does this feeling of disappointment go away and when does God give me an answer?!
Is God punishing me because I pushed my body too much?
Did I make a mistake….
Words of forgiveness, grace, and the book of Truth is being poured into my life by others and myself. In fact, I’ve received so much grace within this whole process that I am so grateful.
There’s a bigger picture that I’m not allowed to see yet. There’s something that God wants me to experience first before I experience Him on the field.
Yes, to those of you who have contacted me saying “God has a plan”. He does. I have no small faith in that idea. But that doesn’t mean that the emotions of frustration, anger, bitterness, sadness, and fear aren’t there. Because in my heart it seems like I just lost a whole big part of me. This plan requires a lot from me and with that I’m saying..
“No”. No to those of you who have contacted me saying that “I’m making a mistake” and it’s just “fear getting in the way”. I have no doubt that fear is getting in the way of His plan. But the fear that is in the way is not the thing that’s causing me to stay home on launch day.
God knows that the very giant that wrestles in my heart is the same one that He gently calms.
Staying with those beautiful people on the Race might’ve caused us all a whole lot more heartache. I know for a fact that I was fighting to stay present with my team during training camp. Can you imagine the feelings I would’ve experienced if I would’ve stayed? How many of my squad mates I would’ve dragged with me? I might’ve missed out on some amazing opportunities that I’m about to experience. Maybe, I’ll be the only one to see the fruit that comes out of it. Maybe, my Instagram won’t be filled with that fruit.
I’m learning that that’s okay.
Moses.
Noah.
David.
Solomon.
Adam & Eve – for gosh sakes.
God had each of them on a plan that required pain, suffering, turning some things down and doubting His Goodness. In the end, His way is always better and I refuse to believe that He has left me out on that.
So.
As you can tell, my heart is still feeling a whirlwind of emotions. I’m constantly going back and forth between “What are you doing God??” and “Ahhh. There’s my Abba Father.”
I’m no longer a World Racer.
That hurts a little to say but I’m okay with it.
Now, I’m Cassie. A Youth and Family Ministry Major at LCU & Dr.Bonner is pretty impressed with me!!! At least I think so haha.
And that is that folks….
If I weren’t being honest I wouldn’t put these words out on a screen. Yet, if there’s something that I’ve learned within these 8 months is that there’s beauty in the vulnerability. And I’m starting to see the beauty in this whole situation now.
My dorm key may not fit anymore but I’ve found a home. I’m currently residing in the middle of the Father’s heart & that He is one pretty sweet room mate.
“Lord, you never fail when I TRUST in you. You’re taking me by the hand again. Giving me the strength to dance again. You’re love changes everything” – United Pursuit
P.S. if you’re a subscriber— I’m moving your email subscription over to my new blog and I hope that’s okay. Hahahah (:
