As I’m writing this, I feel like I have lost the battle. I don’t want everyone to see through the looking glass and notice that I’m not “put-together”. Yet, God keeps tell me otherwise. So here it goes…
The hot dry air made my skin rough and my mouth watered for a drink.
My feet were weary and it seemed as though I was walking for hours.
I remembered the garden. It was fruitful and every bite of that fruit quenched my thirst. Yet, I walked too far from the garden. It was as if in one moment I noticed in the distance a better garden. Yes. This garden had apple trees and grape vines that draped over every inch of land. You see, I love apples and grapes. But my garden…it didn’t have those.
I took a look around my garden and where I was once satisfied, I was no longer. So I began walking. It didn’t seem too far away, maybe just a couple of hundred feet.
However, as my feet began to move in front of the other the garden pushed further away. In an instant, as my eyes refocused themselves, both of the gardens disappeared. The next thing I knew, I was stuck in the desert. Running for miles and miles in hopes that maybe soon I would just wake up from this dream.
Is anyone even listening.?
“Somebody help me. I’m stuck in a vast open space and I don’t even know how I got here…”
And ladies and gentlemen….that’s what I’ve felt like.
In the past month and a half I feel like I have strayed from the depth of the Father’s love.
Yet this time, I don’t feel like it needs to be shared on a screen
I’m embarrassed.
I regret.
My heart is aching for fulfillment and I’m missing the point.
I want to share a piece of my journal:
“I don’t even know who I am anymore. It’s not because of who I’m around anymore it’s just my heart is beating a thousand more miles a minute and I don’t know how to keep up. I don’t know who I am. Jesus where are YOU. There’s this constant juggling act of doing what the world wants from me and what you want. Where do I even begin”
Before I signed up for the World Race, I was good.
Yet, before I signed up for the World Race, I never really gave Jesus my life.
He had a hold of my heart and had my attention yet only for a moment. When the moment passed I would continue living for myself.
But when I went down in that water on baptism day, and immersed new in Him, I gave him all of me.
I’ve lost my focus.
I’ve walked too far from the Garden.
I’ve took too many notes from Eve and gave in to too many temptations.
I’m not prepared.
Yet, I will praise Him.
This post isn’t ending in a moment of realization like most of them have.
Instead, it’s ending with a note of rawness.
I feel like God is stripping me down in front of you all, yet I’m letting it happen. Even though it hurts like hell.
Because I know one day, and there will be a day, when I realize that He’s been constant. That He’s around. I’m looking forward to that.
Psalm 116:5-9
The Lord is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the unwary;
when I was brought low, he saved me.
Return to your rest, my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.
For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the Lord
in the land of the living
