The past few weeks have been full of hard ‘see you later’s and ‘last memories before you leave me for a year’ with the friends and family that mean more to me than anything in the world. If you knew me in college, you heard me say at least a thousand times that ‘people are always more important,’ and I tried my best to live like that was true. Which resulted in some of the most abundantly joyful and sweet relationships that I have ever known, also known as The Hardest Thing About Going On The World Race.
Because when we talk about changing the world and obeying the call to GO, we sometimes forget that in order to move toward one thing you must also leave behind something else.
I love American food and comfy beds and hot showers and a closet full of clothes just as much as the next person, but not having access to those luxuries for a year doesn’t really scare me. They’re a nice bonus to living in the land of the free and the home of the brave, but that’s not where I find my joy and purpose in this life. God cares about people, and as a woman who hopes for a heart that is becoming more and more like His every day, I have spent the past 22 years of my life investing in people who will not be spending the next 11 months doing the World Race with me. That’s a hard reality to come face-to-face with in the midst of frantic packing and brushing up on my Spanish for our first three months of ministry in South America.
In fact, I hadn’t been processing it – not even a little bit. I spent my last Friday in Charlotte with one of my closest friends and when I left her house that afternoon neither of us were prepared to say goodbye. So what did we do? Said, “See you next week, right?” and “yep, that’s right. See you next week!” and I drove away dry-eyed but with a knot in the pit of my stomach knowing that once again I had put off allowing myself to fully experience the grief and sorrow of having to say “See you in 11 months” to one of my closest friends. Repeat that same story in slightly various versions about 20 times and you have all you need to know about when I said my “goodbyes” to loved ones. I know, I know – so unhealthy.
So last night when we walked into our first time of worship since saying goodbye to our parents who came to launch with us and I FINALLY felt the tears coming, I simultaneously thanked God and took off running toward the bathroom because I knew that this was going to be bad. And sure enough, it was. Ugly tears, snotty sniffles, crying alone in a bathroom stall – the whole nine yards. At first I was angry at God – why would you let me wait until now to fall apart? Why now, when I’m separated from the people who already know and love me well? And how did the Lord respond to my anger? By simultaneously comforting me and also revealing one of my greatest fears that I didn’t know I had.
First, He reminded me that while my squad and teammates don’t know how to love me well yet, they soon will. That is, if I choose to invite them in and pursue the same kind of deep and meaningful relationships with these men and women that I have with those who are back home. And then the Lord prodded His loving hand into one of the scars on my heart that I had thought was completely healed in order to reveal the fear that was still hiding there, holding me back from full freedom. Prior to college, I had some pretty scarring experiences with community, particularly in friendships with girls who had done some of the awful things that teenage girls are regrettably famous for doing – backstabbing, gossipping, cattiness, etc.
I realized that I am still using those experiences as excuses to not fully trust God’s heart toward me in the area of relationships, even though He has given me countless evidences of His goodness and faithfulness over the past few years. Leaving behind my current community and stepping into this group of World Racers is terrifying, because I find myself doubting that God is really good enough to provide me with kindred spirit friendships and safe, loving community in this season. So I’m praying that the Lord would relieve my heart of this fear and also show His faithfulness in the relationships that are forming between my squad and teammates. Would you join me in praying for unity and intentionality and an abundance of grace between every member of my beloved P squad? I would be so grateful!
PS- We start our journey to Ecuador early tomorrow (Saturday) morning!! I will probably arrive sometime in the evening, so my squad and I are currently finishing up training and repacking our bags for the long travel day ahead of us! Please also pray for safe travels and I look forward to updating you all when we arrive in Ecuador and begin ministry!!! SO EXCITED!!
PSS- I am almost SEVENTY percent funded for this World Race adventure! I cannot thank you all enough for your support and generosity!! I am so excited and humbled that you have chosen to partner with me in this journey, and I can’t wait to see where the Lord takes us!
With love and wanderlust,
Cassady
