So much has happened in the past few months, and I’ve stayed quiet.
I learned so much about my relationship with the Lord at training camp, and I’ve stayed quiet.
I received some awesome words through God’s people, and I’ve stayed quiet.
One of my closest friends was killed in a car accident, and I’ve stayed quiet.
I’ve learned a lot through the support raising process, and I’ve stayed quiet.
Through all the ups and downs, good times and hard times, I’ve seen God’s faithfulness. He’s been loving me. He’s been teaching me. Yet, I’m often so unwilling to share my heart with others. I’ve been quiet.
Why do I have a hard time letting people in?
1.) I struggle with pride.
I’m still pretty broken, but I don’t share that openly. I don’t talk about the unloving thoughts I have, how I consider my needs first, how I refuse to love people until they’ve shown me love first. I don’t often reveal just how insecure I am,how much I want other people’s approval, and how angry I feel when I don’t feel embraced.
People see my independence as a strength. What they don’t always see is that on the inside I really want to be known and accepted. I’m not that great at letting people love me, and oftentimes I’m even worse at accepting God’s love for me.
2.) I’m living a self-protected (self-centered) life.
Jesus never gave me permission to put my needs first. He never told me its okay to withdraw if I feel unloved. Being my true self is important, but he never promised people would embrace me even when I’m living that out. He actually said quite the opposite. John 15:18 says, “If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you.” ESV
I’m also challenged by Luke 6: 32-34.
“If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount.”
God doesn’t hide what is important to him. Galatians 5:14 says, “For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Living a life marked by self-centeredness and self-protection is pretty shaky ground to stand on, and its not where I want to be.
3.) I don’t fully trust in the power of His name.
Jesus paid a high price for me to walk in freedom. For me to walk in the fullness of who He created me to be. I really have a heart for people to understand this. Salvation doesn’t start when we go to heaven. Eternal life is knowing God, and He’s given us His spirit so we can know Him now.
Jesus prayed ” Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.” Matthew 6:10
On earth. God wants his will to be carried out on this earth. God wants our minds renewed and our bodies healed. He wants us to live in wholeness. To be free from unforgiveness, anger, malice, slander, greed. He’s given us the ability to know him now, not just in the next life.
When I don’t walk in freedom, there’s something about His nature that I don’t understand. It means I’m not trusting His promises. In my own strength, I don’t have the ability to change anything. God is the one who heals me. I’m praying for the faith to better cooperate with the process, and for belief that he has made ALL things new.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthians 5:17
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You might say, “Casie, you’re being really hard on yourself.”, but I don’t see it that way.
The sermon at church last week was about “murdering our sin”. Bringing things I don’t often talk about into the light is one of the ways I’m going about doing just that. It was an awesome message. If you want to check it out for yourself: www.axchurch.com/media
I’m finally measuring my life against the truth of God’s word instead of justifying my shortcomings by my past experiences. This is the first time I’ve publicly shared the ugly parts of my heart. There’s so much freedom in bringing the dark to light. I’m not condemning myself, and God doesn’t either. This is simply me saying, “I’m broken. I realize I’m wrong in a lot of the ways I act and think towards others. I’m not capable of fixing myself, but God can, and because He loves me, I trust that he will.” Philippians 3:12
As I jump into this journey, I have decisions to make. Decisions I’ll have to consciously make again and again each day of this trip and realistically for the rest of my life.
Am I willing to lean in to uncomfortable situations?
Will I choose to invest in my teammates and squad members even if I don’t “feel” accepted?
Am I willing to be vulnerable to give people a chance to know and love the real me?
Do I choose to reject the lies of the enemy and speak truth over myself instead?
Do I believe the gospel and the new life Christ gave us when he rose from the dead?
Am I willing to share His love with others?
To my teammates and squad members:
If you read this blog post please know that my heart is for you. I choose to invest. I can’t promise that it comes easily for me. Lets face it, I’m awkward. I’m terrible at small talk. I’d rather hear about whats going on in your heart than what music you like or what TV shows you watch. I’m just wired that way. Training camp involved a lot of tension between experiencing FOMO and wanting alone time with the Lord. I’m sure I’ll continue to struggle with that on the trip. If I’m acting closed off or self-centered, you have my permission to call me out. I hope you’ll give me the same freedom to speak truth into your life too. I’ve never had community like this before, and I’ll admit I’m slightly nervous, but I believe its going to rock my world. I see great things in our group, and I’m so excited to see how God reveals himself through our squad.
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I remember being accepted to the World Race last November. I was excited, but it still felt like a far off dream. There were still so many obstacles standing in the way of me being able to go. God removed them all. Launch is less than 3 weeks aways, and I’m so so thankful to say that I’m ahead of my support raising deadlines. Out of $16,250 needed to fund this trip, I’ll be close to $13,000 after some checks process through my account. To everyone who has invested hard earned money to support my vision for this trip, you are so appreciated. Thank you for reconfirming that this is God’s plan for this next season of my life.
