Today is one of those days where I feel overwhelmed at how blessed I am and how much I have to be thankful for. I’ve been in the sun all day, and it is just what I needed. I am also currently 27% funded for the World Race! I need $3200 before I can launch in July, if you feel led to give one-time or monthly, please go to the “support me” tab! Enjoy this new blog post!
I want to be honest with you; it has not been the best few weeks for me. I wasn’t going to come on this vacation to Florida because I didn’t feel that it was the responsible decision, to spend money and take off from work; all the anxiety I’ve been feeling for the last few weeks reached its peak. I started to freak out about goodbyes; malaria pills; my failures; work problems; support raising; squatty potties; what I will do with my life after the World Race; the list goes on and on. There’s been an ugly battle between the girl I was the last year of college and the girl that God has called me to now; in this moment. I keep fighting because my own negative voice likes to remind myself in my head that I don’t like that girl; I don’t like how she dealt with her pain, I don’t like the bad habits she formed, I don’t like the negative views she came to believe about herself, and I especially don’t like her anxiety. I start fighting with myself and then I try to put on this perfect new persona of a girl that is somehow adequate to serve God on the World Race. I start trying so hard to never fail like I did so often for that year of my life, that I end up falling on my face. Hard. And just like a hurt child I want something to quickly pick me back up again and make feel ok; to reassure me that I am still loved, forgiven, and understood.
But the thing is guys, I’m fighting a losing battle. I will never become the victor in a battle that is being fought by an army of one. I am the weakest soldier that I could ever send out against the lies and misconceptions of this world and my purpose in it.
When I say: “I can’t win this”
God says: “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Exodus 14:14)
No matter how many times I fail; no matter how many times I turn my face away from the cross; no matter how many times I fall in to the trap of anxiety; Jesus is still victorious. He’s waiting to step in the frontlines and destroy the enemy with one wave of His hand. I don’t need to keep fighting, because the victory is already won. This is grace. This is beauty. This is the most amazing love.
And this is what will carry me through on the World Race. And through my preparation for the Race. And through whatever comes after. I’m finally starting to realize to importance of stepping into freedom in Jesus. Everyday. And I’m thankful that I’m finally learning to let go.
