Here’s another one of those blogs where I feel like I’m writing a diary entry instead of blog entry. But sometimes, God wants to speak through these vulnerable moments.
Recently, I’ve been processing through the last year and a half of my life (a year filled with pain, confusion, and grief) with God and with other people and let me tell you, it has been emotional. It’s been frustrating, joyful, annoying, hopeful, angry, and blessed. My story will be shared more in-depth in future blogs…I can’t even count the number of times I have answered “I’m not sure” or “I don’t know” when asked how I was feeling at that very moment. And it is in those moments when words fail me, when the Holy Spirit does the speaking for me; when Jesus steps in to heal me and speak truth into my life.
And hallelujah for that. For many months I was living a numb life. The only times I didn’t feel numb were the nights I turned partying and alcohol to find reassurance and happiness, and there wasn’t one of those nights where I didn’t come home at the end of the night feeling worse than numb, feeling dead; feeling as if I would never be the same again; feeling as if all hope and love were gone.
Even once I stopped blocking out God in my life, and he started seeping through the cracks of my broken heart, I still doubted his sovereignty and power. I doubted that God could break through the walls I had put up to protect myself from more hurt. And then he called me on the World Race. I sat on the beach with my mom and told her I felt called to the World Race, and even as I spoke those words, I was skeptical. The Holy Spirit was guiding and speaking even in my skepticism. I hadn’t heard the voice of God in months, and I was supposed to listen to this crazy idea? How was I supposed to convince my friends and family of something I didn’t even understand myself?
But here’s the thing: God never stopped speaking to me in those months; I stopped listening. God never stopped guiding me in those months; I stopped accepting guidance; God never stopped comforting me; anxiety blocked me from receiving comfort; and God never once left my side. He never once stopped grieving with me for the pain I was experiencing. He still grieves with me today. But as I am healing, God is calling me to something more; He is calling me to take this hope to others, to the World. 6 months ago I was hopeless, now I cannot keep the hope I have to myself. I have been changed. Changed in a way I thought wasn’t possible. I have been given hope, and the World needs hope. I am positive that God has so much to teach me on the Race. So much. There is more healing to come, and more change too. But God has also given me a mission, and that mission is Hope; that mission is Love; that mission is to make Jesus known to all nations; that mission is to be a voice for the poor, the orphans, the widows, people who are given no voice. God has not done all He has done for me to keep silent, and this is why I will go.
I’m so excited to announce that my first deadline is met! Thank you to all of my supporters! My second deadline is $3500, and I’m praying that I will meet this by the end of January. You can support me through a monthly commitment or a one-time donation by going to the “support me” tab on the left side of the page!
